


Mélange À Trois

by jamiewritesfanfic



Category: Criminal Minds, Psych, White Collar
Genre: Crossover, Humor, Multi, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-12 19:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7946809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamiewritesfanfic/pseuds/jamiewritesfanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Pierre Despereaux is accused of committing yet another heinous crime in Santa Barbara, Chief Vick calls for backup from the FBI’s White Collar and Behavioral Analysis Units, headed by FBI Academy rivals Peter Burke and Aaron Hotchner. If solving crime in Santa Barbara was complicated before… </p><p>A crossover parody in three “episodes”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Three Heads are Two More than One

**Author's Note:**

> This story is written in screenplay/script format and is meant to be a parody playing on the tropes of crime shows in general and these three crime shows in particular (like Psych’s flashbacks, Criminal Minds’ beginning and end quotes, and White Collar’s fast-motion film). It does contain some of the common warnings of crime shows including off-screen or stylized violence and cavalier treatment of murder, so please don’t continue if those are upsetting or bothersome to you. And if you’d rather not read something that pokes fun at (or has fun with, as I see it) these shows or this genre, steer clear. 
> 
> This story sits approximately here in the three timelines: 
> 
> Psych: Sometime between after O’Hara and Shawn start dating and before she finds out he’s not psychic. His dad sort of works at the station.
> 
> White Collar: Let’s just say Kate is dead but Neal doesn’t have any other girlfriends. Also, he’s not currently on the lam, Peter doesn’t necessarily think he stole something, and we’re not in the middle of a mystery involving banknotes/paintings/ships/planes. 
> 
> Criminal Minds: One of the good seasons: Prentiss. Rossi.

**Episode 1: Three Heads are Two More than One**

**FLASHBACK: INT - FBI ACADEMY, QUANTICO VIRGINIA, 1987**

_(We come in on a classroom full of white guys in varying stages of overdress getting settled as if class hasn’t quite started. Zoom in on two - a young HOTCH and a young PETER, sporting the mustache that White Collar fans just can’t get enough of. The two shake hands)._

HOTCH - Aaron Hotchner. Hotch.

PETER - Peter Burke. Peter, I guess.

HOTCH (smiles) - First day? (laughs nervously) I mean, of course it is. Where are you from?

PETER - New York, you?

HOTCH - Seattle.

_(An instructor, a big, intimidating guy, comes in, dropping a briefcase loudly on the desk.)_

PETER - Well, it’s good to meet you. Listen, some of us are grabbing drinks tonight - (he’s cut off)

FBI INSTRUCTOR - Cadets. Look to your left. Look to your right. Only one in three of you will make it through the FBI Academy.

_(PETER and HOTCH look at each other, their eyes narrowing.)_

 

**INT - THREE SANTA BARBARA RESIDENCES, PRESENT DAY**

_(We see a series of three scenes: An older black woman in a maid’s uniform opens a door and shrieks. A young Asian woman in an embroidered polo from a restaurant knocks on a slightly open door, says, “Hello?”, then pushes the door open...then shrieks. An ugly white guy (I mean, maybe he has acne or slightly crooked teeth or something) opens a door, saying, “Security,” then, you guessed it...shrieks)._

 

**INT - ONE OF THE SWANK APARTMENTS, SANTA BARBARA**

( _We come in on SHAWN, GUS, and LASSITER looking through a fancy apartment, which there seem to be no end of in Santa Barbara. Zoom in, with the Psych “pinging” sound, on a mahogany table with a burning cigarette in an ashtray on top of it. Then onto the wall, where it is obvious that a fairly large painting is missing.)_

SHAWN - It’s not him.

LASSITER - Face it, Spencer. The missing Manet, the burning cigarette...It’s your good friend Pierre Despereaux.

SHAWN - But you can’t deny there’s a major difference between this and Despereaux’s last crime scene.

LASSITER - And what difference is that?

GUS - (pointing) That one.

_(We pan out and see a decapitated head sitting in the leather armchair.)_

LASSITER - Yeah, that part is new. _(His phone rings loudly, and he fishes it out of his pocket, putting it on speaker.)_ Chief?

CHIEF VICK - (voice) There doesn’t happen to be anything unusual in your crime scene, does there Lassiter?

LASSITER - Well, the throw rug does look slightly askew. But that may just be a decorative choice.

CHIEF VICK - Anything else?

LASSITER - No, everything else looks like classic Despereaux.

CHIEF VICK - I mean the head, Lassiter. The severed head.

LASSITER - Oh. Well. Yes.

CHIEF VICK - O’Hara has the same thing. We’re going to need some reinforcements.

 

**INT - THREE SEPARATE POLICE STATIONS, SANTA BARBARA, NYC, QUANTICO**

_(We see all three separate teams in their usual briefing rooms, the three identical briefings overlapping on top of each other:_

_BAU CONFERENCE ROOM - GARCIA is in front of the team, using the whole powerpoint/tablet presentation situation_

_WHITE COLLAR CONFERENCE ROOM - PETER is explaining the case to the white collar unit, using the tv powerpoint situation_

_SANTA BARBARA POLICE STATION BULLPEN - CHIEF VICK and LASSITER are explaining the case to the police in the bullpen area with the screen powerpoint situation.)_

GARCIA - My friends, you are headed to sunny Santa Barbara, where three people were found decapitated in their homes. And by people, I guess I just mean heads. Heads were found.

REID - No sign of the bodies?

GARCIA - None. From what the locals can see, no traces of evidence. No DNA, either the victims’ or the unsub’s. Other than on the heads, of course.  

CHIEF VICK - At each crime scene, a valuable piece of art was also found missing.

PETER - _(Displaying the photos of the art pieces)_ A Manet, Girls Dancing on Summer's Eve. A Degas, Fils Dansent dans la Troisieme Arrondissement. And finally, a Warhol, A Bunch of Product Placement in Different Hues. All originals. At each crime scene, police also found this. ( _Displays a picture of a burning cigarette in an ashtray)_. It’s the signature of noted art thief -

NEAL - (impressed) Pierre Despereaux. But the Warhol isn’t really Despereaux’s style. He always goes for the French Impressionists.

DIANA - Desperate times...

PRENTISS - Art theft to murder? That’s a pretty serious escalation.

MORGAN - And decapitation on top of it? That’s an advanced signature -  this guy’s been killing for a while.

HOTCH - And he’s just getting started. Wheels up in 30.

PETER - Let’s go. Our flight leaves in an hour.

CHIEF VICK - Our FBI consultants will be here soon. Let’s try not to completely embarrass ourselves.

 

**[MOZZIE (voice/over): Why was I born with such contemporaries?...Oscar Wilde.]**

 

**INT - 747 FIRST CLASS SECTION**

_(PETER and NEAL are sitting on one side of the aisle with DIANA and JONES across from them. DIANA and PETER are holding tablets, while NEAL leans over PETER’s shoulder.)_

NEAL - What is that? Information on Despereaux?

PETER - No. I’m recalibrating your tracking anklet so that you can’t be more than 100 feet from me at any time.

NEAL - And how will you track that? Stare at your iPad during the whole investigation?

PETER - No. While staring at your iPad is a great way to spend a day off (looks at the camera), I’ll be using another helpful Apple product.  (Holds up his wrist, showing what just appears to be a fancy electronic watch). What did you think, I was going to give you a free vacation in California?

NEAL - What about at night?

PETER - Hello, roomie.

( _DIANA and JONES laugh. An alert sound comes from PETER’s tablet. PETER groans)_

DIANA - What is it?

PETER - It turns out we’re not the only the only team being called in on this one.

JONES - Who’s the other?

PETER - (grim) BAU.

_(DIANA and JONES groan in response. DIANA snaps out of it first)_

DIANA - Maybe it’s not _that_ team.

PETER - It’s them. Unit Chief Hotchner.

NEAL - (intrigued by this) An old rivalry of yours, Peter Burke? Did you try to join the BAU?

PETER - (adamant) No. Hotchner and I were at Quantico together. That guy was so competitive over everything.

NEAL - Who won?

PETER - (evasive) Who remembers? Let’s focus on the case.

 

**EXT - STOCK FOOTAGE OF A JET**

**INT - BAU JET**

_(The BAU team is all on the jet, with files and laptops spread between them on the tables. HOTCH looks at his tablet and groans)_

HOTCH - It appears we’re not the only FBI team headed to Santa Barbara.

JJ - Who’s the other?

HOTCH - White Collar.

ROSSI - (suddenly interested) Which unit?

HOTCH - Burke.

PRENTISS - Ooh. Are they bringing their CI?

HOTCH - I don’t know. Why?

PRENTISS - (with a wink toward JJ) No reason.  

MORGAN - Am I sensing some history here?

HOTCH - We were at Quantico together. It got...competitive.

ROSSI - Who won?

HOTCH - Let’s focus on the case. The police in Santa Barbara have brought in the three people who found the crime scenes - a maid from a local service, a food delivery employee from a Chinese restaurant, and a security guard from one of the apartment buildings. JJ and I will interview the witnesses. Prentiss, Rossi, you go examine the crime scenes. Morgan, Reid, the heads are over at the coroner’s office. You head over… just go there. To the coroner’s office.

 

**INT - POLICE STATION**

_(SHAWN and GUS emerge from the interrogation room, where LASSITER, OHARA, and CHIEF VICK are waiting)_

OHARA - The maid and the delivery girl both had airtight alibis. Please tell me you got something from the security guard.

GUS - Oh, we got something.

SHAWN - Yeah, we got no idea why you didn’t let us talk to the girl from Golden Dragon. I could really go for some of the Moo Shoo Pork right now.

GUS - Right?

LASSITER - The guard, Spencer.

SHAWN - Oh, this guy ain’t got no alibi.

OHARA - You’re saying he wasn’t really at the planetarium last night?

GUS - Oh, he was there. Twelve people saw him.

SHAWN - He was on the security cameras and everything. We’re just saying he’s ugly.

LASSITER - Keep laughing, Spencer. All this does is point to Despereaux.

_(Behind them, the BAU and WHITE COLLAR TEAMS walk through the door of the precinct)._

SHAWN AND GUS - U.G.L.Y. You ain’t got no alibi. You ugly! Yeah, yeah -

CHIEF VICK - Enough! (She turns to the FBI agents) Agents, welcome to Santa Barbara. Thank you for getting here so quickly. Now (she surveys the agents, then correctly identifies) you must be Agent Burke. Agent Hotchner.  We have you set up in the conference room. (They start walking in that direction, SHAWN and GUS trailing. SHAWN gestures to NEAL, who has one of those fedoras sitting askance on his head.) To bring you up to speed, we’ve interviewed all three of the people who found the scenes. None had any information past what we’ve been able to gather and all have alibis for their whereabouts at the time of death.

HOTCH - We’d like to speak with them again if that works for you.

CHIEF VICK - Be my guest.

_(HOTCH and JJ disappear back in the direction of the conference rooms)._

ROSSI - We (gestures toward PRENTISS) were planning to check out the crime scenes.

NEAL - We’ll go with you.

PETER - (To NEAL) What, do you suddenly have an interest in police work? (To everyone else) I think that’s where we’ll do the most good.

CHIEF VICK - Lassiter, O’Hara, go with them.

_(ROSSI, PRENTISS, PETER, NEAL, JONES, DIANA, LASSITER, and OHARA walk toward the doors, all shaking hands. PRENTISS positions herself next to NEAL, which SHAWN notices)._

MORGAN - Ma’am, if it works for you, we were planning to go to the Coroner’s Office to examine the heads.

CHIEF VICK - Absolutely. Just to warn you, our Coroner…

MORGAN - Yes?

CHIEF VICK - Spencer. Guster. Accompany these agents.

_(MORGAN, REID, SHAWN, and GUS exit, leaving CHIEF VICK alone in the middle of the police station. She tilts her head back and sighs. HENRY SPENCER enters from a side office.)_

HENRY - The Feds here?

CHIEF VICK - (Nods) Let’s hope this was the right call.

 

**EXT - OUTDOOR FOOTAGE, HIGH RISE APARTMENT COMPLEX**

**_(_ ** _The outside of a swank high rise apartment building is shown, with the White Collar fast-paced film showing two people and a small dog walk by very quickly.)_

 

**INT - CRIME SCENE**

_(PETER, NEAL, DIANA, JONES, PRENTISS, ROSSI, LASSITER, and OHARA are all in the living room of one of the crime scenes. It’s a big, airy, apartment with bay windows along the wall furthest from the camera. Even so, eight people in the room means that throughout the scene, they are practically tripping over each other.)_

ROSSI - All three of the crime scenes are immaculate.

PRENTISS - The victims must have been abducted, brought to a secondary location, killed there and decapitated. Then the Unsub brought just their heads back to the apartments. That’s a lot of movement for no one to notice.

LASSITER - Unsub?

OHARA - Unknown subject. (ROSSI nods at her approvingly). They use it when they don’t have a named suspect.

LASSITER - But we do. Despereaux.

OHARA - I don’t know how sure we are about Despereaux.

PETER - Despereaux had been on our radar for years before you brought him in. He’s never murdered before. And Neal has a theory that the Warhol is outside of Despereaux’s normal scope.

ROSSI - Fill us in on this guy.

NEAL - Despereaux is a legendary art theif. He’s in, has the painting, gets out with no trace. Of course, it turns out he was committing insurance fraud, a deception - the perfect crime.

PRENTISS - Depending on how you define it. So Despereaux’s mostly just an escape artist? Barely even a thief? It would be hard to believe he’s committed murder.

JONES - Though you have to admit, this scene is something Despereaux would set up. We haven’t found as much as a partial fingerprint or a single shoe track in any of the scenes.

ROSSI - With this level of forensic counter-measure, we can be almost certain this guy’s killed before.

DIANA - So if it’s not Despereaux….

OHARA - Someone wants us to think it is.

 

**INT - CORONER’S OFFICE, HALLWAY OUTSIDE MORGUE**

_(REID pushes on the door to the Morgue, and MORGAN briefly rests a hand on his lower back as he does so. The “ping” goes off and SHAWN looks meaningfully at GUS.)_

 

**INT - MORGUE**

( _On the other side of the door, we see REID, MORGAN, SHAWN, and GUS enter. They look around the room for someone. Three heads are set up on each of the three tables. GUS covers his mouth and runs out of the room. MORGAN steps forward and examines one of the heads.)_

MORGAN - What’s wrong with this head? It almost looks like -

_(He’s interrupted as WOODY stands up from having his head directly behind the severed head. REID makes a small shrieking sound.)_

WOODY - Shawn! And (narrows his eyes at MORGAN) Gus? Have you been working out?

SHAWN - Woody, these guys are from the FBI BLT.

REID - BAU. Behavioral Analysis Unit.

WOODY - (looking pretty nervous) Oh. I see. Well, then. (clears his throat, then trying to be very formal) Agents, if you will notice, the perpetrator used a single stroke of a very sharp knife. If it didn’t sound so crazy (laughs nervously), I’d even say a sword.

REID - (leaning over to examine one of the heads) I would agree...a sword that’s fourteen to sixteen inches in blade length, a quarter inch in depth and two inches across. Judging by the marks on the neck.

SHAWN - That’s a pretty big leap. Even by our standards.

MORGAN - I know you’re probably a new detective -

SHAWN - (indignant) A detective?

MORGAN - Oh, are you the Deputy Chief or something?

SHAWN - I am THE Chief...Psychic of the SBPD.

MORGAN - Excuse me?

WOODY - He does have an impressive record. (stops and cleared his throat). If you’re into that sort of thing. (SHAWN glares at him).

REID - (hasn’t noticed any of the discomfort and keeps going) Judging by the rigor, the blood vessels in the eyes, the patterns of hair gel application...these heads were decapitated post-mortem.

MORGAN - So where are the bodies?

WOODY - Not sure on that one.

MORGAN - I think we’ve got everything we’re going to get here. Let’s go back to the station.

_(SHAWN, REID, and MORGAN go back into the hallway.)_

REID - I’m about 95% sure that guy did it.

MORGAN - Mmm.

SHAWN - Oh, he’s harmless. (Turns and shouts down the hall) Gus, you can stop puking.

 

**INT - POLICE STATION**

_(SHAWN, GUS, OHARA, PRENTISS, REID, MORGAN, ROSSI, DIANA, and JONES are in the conference room, looking over the bulletin boards)_

PRENTISS - So, from what you saw at the Coroner’s office and what we gathered at the Crime Scene, I’m thinking we need to put together a profile. Independent of Despereaux.

ROSSI - Prentiss is right. We have to consider the possibility that this is a brand new unsub, using Despereaux’s signature.

_(There is a pause while the White Collar and Criminal Minds teams put a bunch of information up on bulletin boards)._

SHAWN - (sits on the table on top of some of the files) I’m unclear on exactly what we’re doing. And why we’re not eating this delicious tres leches cake while we do it. (He holds up a foil box with cake inside. JONES leans over, grabs a fork, and eats some).  

PRENTISS - We’re profilers.

SHAWN - Oh. Got it. (Points at GUS) It was him. (Points at JONES) Or him. Or there’s about a 50% chance it was -  (About to point again at MORGAN)

GUS - That’s racial profiling, Shawn. They’re talking about the art of forensic psychology. Studying the behavior of the victims and the killer to make deductions about suspects.

MORGAN - He’s got it.

SHAWN - Huh. Well, I like to induce -  

GUS - Deduce -

SHAWN - Things psychically.

ROSSI - (Good humored disbelief) Like what?

SHAWN - (looks around and things make the “ping” sound as he talks) Well…(looking at PRENTISS) You plan on partying with the White Collar guy tonight.  And you two (points at MORGAN then REID) are lovers in the night time. But you’re not ready to tell the rest of the…(trails off awkwardly, then turns to ROSSI) And you sir...you just have delightful hair. What do you use? (ROSSI nods approvingly but doesn’t respond)

MORGAN - Well, you’re wrong on at least one of those. Right, Reid?

REID - You said we weren’t going to lie. (He turns and storms out of the room)

_(There is an intensely awkward silence)_

OHARA - (to MORGAN) You should probably follow him. (MORGAN leaves the room abruptly, and OHARA turns back to SHAWN. In an angry whisper) Shawn!

ROSSI - Well, that one doesn’t take a psychic to figure out.

_(CHIEF VICK, HOTCH, JJ, PETER, and NEAL come into the room)._

OHARA - Anything from the witnesses?

JJ - Nothing that will contribute to the profile.

PETER - We’ll review the information from the crime scenes and see if we can come up with anything relevant on the three missing paintings.

HOTCH - (A little louder) We’ll draw up a profile of potential subjects.

CHIEF VICK -  Good. I have my doubts about Despereaux as much as the rest of you. But I do think it would be prudent to _find_ Despereaux (looks meaningfully at SHAWN and GUS).

 

**INT - PSYCH OFFICE**

_(SHAWN is sitting at the desk while GUS paces back and forth across the office)._

GUS - I refuse to believe Despereaux is decapitating people. It’s like every time he’s involved the stakes are just that much higher.

SHAWN - It does seem to be a pattern.

GUS - Chief Vick expects us to find him, Shawn. How are we going to find him?

SHAWN - We’re going to do what we always do.

GUS - Which is?

SHAWN - Eat Tres Quesos Doritos, rewatch the _Princess Bride_ , and wait for him to find us.

_(SHAWN claps twice. The TV turns on and starts playing the scene where Fred Savage is asking his Grandfather for a story. Gus sits down in the armchair)._

GUS - You know that’s right.

 

**EXT - SOMEWHERE ON THE SANTA BARBARA BOARDWALK**

_(The White Collar team is sitting around a picnic table within sight of the Psych office. Or rather PETER and NEAL are sitting side by side, suit jackets off, looking at an iPAD, DIANA is lying across the bench on the other side, and JONES is pacing back and forth in the grass nearby.)_

PETER - Neal, tell us about these pieces.

NEAL - (a little too excited) The Manet and the Degas are late period French expressionists. Both depict dancers - the brushstrokes used to convey movement. The Warhol … well, it’s a mid-century American piece that features significant product placement. A little heavy-handed for my taste and presumably Despereaux’s as well. Use the iPad to zoom in.

PETER -  Neal’s right. The Warhol really throws off the whole thing.

DIANA - But how much priceless art is there in Santa Barbara? This city only has about ninety thousand people and Despereaux has hit here before. Several times.

JONES - You’re right. It doesn’t really add up...Come to mention it, this place sure has seen a lot of murders per capita.

DIANA - That little guy from Behavioral Analysis could give us the exact percentage. (Everyone does a little snort laugh). But that’s the thing...who would steal an art thief’s exact signature just to cut off people’s heads?

 

**INT - SANTA BARBARA POLICE STATION, CONFERENCE ROOM**

_(The BAU team (minus Reid) is standing around the conference room surrounded by files and pictures tacked to bulletin boards)._

ROSSI - We have to assume that whoever the unsub is, he targeted his victims based on the art found in their homes.

PRENTISS - And we’re not thinking the killer was Despereaux? Or does Despereaux commit the thefts and a partner commits the murders?

JJ - That could be a possibility. We all have doubts that Despereaux committed the murders but that doesn’t exonerate him completely.

MORGAN - And from what what we saw at the morgue, we’re looking for an experienced killer. Someone who would kill with a sword, possibly because he’s impotent. Certainly because he can handle a sword proficiently.

HOTCH - So the guy we’re looking for has a history of murder leading up to these beheadings. And is intimately familiar with Despereaux. Get me Garcia.

_(JJ dials the phone on the conference table just a little too quickly)_

GARCIA - What can I do for you sir?

HOTCH - Garcia, I need you to look into all known associates of Pierre Despereaux. Co-conspirators, cellmates, childhood swim buddies. Cross check for violent crimes - armed robbery, assault, murder, parking violations that involved shouting, vague threats, that kind of thing.

GARCIA - Done and done, my liege. (Hangs up).

HOTCH - Did we get anything from the geographical profile? We have three dump sites, which may also have been the abduction sites. The victims were murdered at a secondary location. (looks around) Where the hell is Reid? (No one responds) Morgan, go get him.

MORGAN - Why should I go get him? Why would you assume I would have some kind of intimate knowledge of where he would be? I don’t know anything about him. I don’t know how he takes his coffee, or what kind of lavender-scented shampoo he uses. I don’t know how innocent he looks when he sleeps or that his favorite place in the world is the CalTech library.

HOTCH - (oblivious) Fine. JJ, go get him. (JJ leaves and HOTCH turns back to MORGAN) Morgan, you’re compromising the investigation.

 

**EXT - BOARDWALK**

_(We’re back with the White Collar team, who are still in the same positions. There is a strange rustle in the bushes nearby, which only NEAL notices)._

NEAL - (glancing over his shoulder toward the Psych office) I’m going to go see what the psychics are up to.

DIANA - Don’t tell me you believe in psychics, Caffrey.

NEAL - (winks) You may be surprised, Diana.

PETER - (warning voice) Neal…

NEAL - It’s less than a hundred feet from here. And there’s a whole wall of windows. You can stare at me the whole time.

 

**INT - PSYCH OFFICE**

_(SHAWN and GUS are in the same positions as before, watching Wesley roll down the hill on the tv screen. Both mouth “As You Wish!” along with the movie. The door bursts open and they both jump)._

SHAWN -  Despereaux!

_(SHAWN and GUS turn around to see NEAL come in the front door)._

NEAL - No. Though I can’t say I’m not honored. Expecting someone?

SHAWN - Not someone who clearly spent so much time on his (longingly)...perfect...hair. Gus, do you think I could pull off a hat like that?

GUS - No. What do you want, Caffrey?

NEAL - We thought you might want help.

SHAWN - Help with what?

GUS - We?

_(NEAL looks toward the back door, which opens, revealing MOZZIE. MOZZIE stays out of sight of the front windows throughout the scene so that PETER can’t see him from outside)_

MOZZIE - Didn’t think you’d go looking for Despereaux without me, did you?

NEAL - Mozzie, how did you find out we’re looking for Despereaux? I didn’t even tell you we were leaving New York.

MOZZIE - I have my ways. (Turns to SHAWN and GUS) Dante Haversham, pleased to meet you.

GUS - He just said your name is Mozzie.

MOZZIE - So he did.

SHAWN - What makes you think we’re looking for Despereaux?

NEAL - Clearly, you’re not. You’re in here, eating snacks from Value Mart -

SHAWN - Mr. Tastee’s Convenience Store -

NEAL - And watching 80s movies.

MOZZIE - (looking at the tv) Oh, Buttercup. When will you realize how much Wesley loves you?

NEAL - You think he’s coming here. He’s going to find you. (He starts pacing the office, picking up things at random). Mozzie and I have been interested in Despereaux for years. He was carrying off perfect art heists while we were still playing follow the queen in a back alley.

MOZZIE - When we were still in the diaper stage of our lives as deception artists.

GUS - Conmen. Like Despereaux.

NEAL - Exactly. And unlike us...unlike anyone else, Despereaux always worked alone. Aside from the owners of the paintings, of course. No connections, no ties. Until he stumbled across a pharmaceutical salesman and an unemployed drifter posing as a police department psychic.

SHAWN - Unemployed? You are in my place of business -

GUS - (cutting him off) Well, if you understand him so much, where is he?

SHAWN - Gus! (They whisper furiously at each other for a minute). Yeah, where is he?

MOZZIE - Wait - what’s this?

_(MOZZIE picks up a postcard from a huge stack of mail that has come in through the door slot. He shows it to the other three. The front is a picture of a beach with “Santa Barbara” in huge letters over it)._

NEAL - Why would someone send you a postcard from in town?

GUS - (taking the card and turning it over) It’s in code!

SHAWN - Code?

GUS - (taking a deep breath, then thumbing his nose) Shawn. I’m going to need two mirrors.

MOZZIE - And I’m going to need a glass of chardonnay, two paintbrushes, and some kind of dust.

_(GUS and MOZZIE clear off one of the tables. NEAL takes a mirror out of his pocket. SHAWN does the same.)_

SHAWN - You carry a mirror around for code-breaking?

NEAL - (awkward pause) Yes.

SHAWN - (another pause) Me too.

_(SHAWN goes to the refrigerator and takes out a can of Mountain Dew, which he gives to MOZZIE. GUS digs the paintbrushes out of a junk drawer.)_

MOZZIE - And now we just need the dust.

_(SHAWN picks up his bag of Doritos and smashes it, then hands it to MOZZIE)._

MOZZIE - Let’s get to work.

 

**INT - POLICE STATION**

_(The BAU, including REID now, and the White Collar team are all in the police station, with CHIEF VICK in her office and OHARA and LASSITER at their desks. PETER and NEIL are in one corner)._

PETER - Did you get anything from the psychic and his...friend?

NEAL - Yeah, I’m unclear on what that guy contributes. And no, they haven’t heard from Despereaux.

_(We go over to MORGAN, whose phone rings. When he picks up, we see a back-and-forth screen with GARCIA in her office at Quantico)._

GARCIA - Well, who’s the hottest hunk at Gay Pride Santa Barbara?

MORGAN - What do you need?

GARCIA - So snippy. I need to know, immediately, if Neal Caffrey is half as handsome as his FBI photo.

MORGAN - Garcia, I’m beyond not in the mood for this.

GARCIA - Just take a picture for me.

MORGAN - (Glances at REID, who is drawing on a map) Look, Reid is mad enough at me as it is. I’m not taking pictures of White Collar’s CI.

GARCIA - Fine. I’ll call JJ.

MORGAN - Garcia, do you have anything on the case?

_(There is no answer, but behind MORGAN, JJ answers her phone)_

JJ - Sure! (She holds up her phone and starts taking pictures)

_(After a minute, MORGAN’s phone rings again)_

MORGAN - What, Garcia?

GARCIA - He’s even better than the mugshot! (squeals) Tell him that the BAU has a CI too...a cute little computer hacker slash whiz who would -

MORGAN - (loud) Do you have anything on Despereaux? (Everyone looks at him and he quiets down). Do you have any leads on Despereaux?

GARCIA - As a matter of fact, yes. Cross checking all known Despereaux acquaintances with criminal records, I can only find one. A few seasons ago - well, I guess it’s actually been a few years now - Despereaux partnered with millionaire William Pulver who paid him off to steal a Manet hanging in his Yacht in the Santa Barbara harbor. (She types furiously). Turns out, Pulver just got done with his stint in white collar jail for insurance fraud, where he shared a cell with notorious mass murderer Clive McFarland.

MORGAN - (gestures to HOTCH, who comes over and joins the conversation) So you think Pulver might have picked up a few new tricks while in prison.

HOTCH - Wait, why was a mass murderer in a white collar prison bunking with some guy who committed insurance fraud?

GARCIA - (types furiously) It doesn’t say. But one thing it does say, is that according to Pulver’s ship’s manifest, his yacht is going to be in the harbor tonight.

HOTCH - That can’t be a coincidence.  What are the chances?

MORGAN - Yachts have ships manifests?

GARCIA - Oh Morgan, it’s so cute that you’re from the streets.

MORGAN - I have a J.D. from Northwestern. You know how hard it is to get in there? You have to have like a perfect LSAT score. I passed the BAR with a - (he realizes she’s hung up on him).

HOTCH - Chief Vick, we know where he’s heading.

 

**EXT - SANTA BARBARA HARBOR, SUNSET**

_(SHAWN and GUS approach the guard station at the front of the harbor. SHAWN quickly turns back to look at MOZZIE, who gives a thumbs-up signal from the bushes.)_

SHAWN - (to the guard) Good evening. I’m sure you recognize us. I’m Shawn Spencer, and this is my partner, Dante Haversham (indicates Gus, who bows slightly).

GUARD - Oh...right (Picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it) Henry, your boy’s here, and he brought his...special friend.

GUS - Your dad’s boat is here?

SHAWN - Yeah.

GUS - Then why am I wearing this outfit?

_(We pan out to see that SHAWN and GUS are both dressed like Hugh Hefner, with silk robes and captains hats. SHAWN’s hat has a pineapple stitched on the front)._

SHAWN - It really adds to the ambiance, don’t you think?

_(HENRY comes out of the shadows at the same time MOZZIE jumps out of the bushes and joins them)_

HENRY - Shawn, Gus, what are you doing here? And who is this?

MOZZIE - Dante Haversham, pleased to meet you.

SHAWN - Agent Haversham is with the White Collar unit.

MOZZIE - Yes, that’s me. I’m a suit. A White Collar...suit.

HENRY - (ushering them toward his boat, speaking in a loud whisper) Does this have to do with Despereaux? I don’t want you coming here without the police, Shawn. I’ve looked the other way on your cavorting with this art thief, but things have changed. People’s heads are getting cut off.

SHAWN - You know that’s not Despereaux. We could prove it if we could find him.

HENRY - And you think he’s here?

MOZZIE - We know he’s here. He told us.

HENRY - (to MOZZIE) Why would he tell you?

SHAWN - There’s no time for that. Where’s William Pulver’s boat?

HENRY - (sighs) Right next to mine.

SHAWN - You’re onto him too!

HENRY - No, I wasn’t looking for Despereaux, but if a convicted felon is going to be in my harbor...let’s just say I wanted to keep an eye on him. (Stops for a moment and considers SHAWN, then sighs deeply) Let’s go.

 

**EXT - SANTA BARBARA HARBOR**

_(White Collar fast paced footage scene of the harbor. Since it’s getting dark, there aren’t many people around and the only way we can tell that the film is sped up is because the flags on the ships are moving really fast.)_

 

**INT - SURVEILLANCE VAN, NEAR SANTA BARBARA HARBOR**

**_(_ ** _JJ, REID, DIANA, JONES, AND CHIEF VICK are in the van. It’s a little crowded to say the least)._

CHIEF VICK - (into a radio) Lassiter, O’Hara, since this is technically still within our jurisdiction, you’re going to need to make the arrest.

OHARA - Ten four.

LASSITER - Oh, you bet we’ll be making the arrest.

CHIEF VICK - The **peaceful** arrest. Remember, at most, Despereaux is an accomplice to murder. We’re going to need him to bring in the killer. Unless there is direct threat to life, do not discharge your weapon.

_(She puts down the radio and sighs. JJ looks at her sympathetically)._

 

**INT - HENRY SPENCER’S BOAT**

_(HENRY, SHAWN, GUS, and MOZZIE enter the boat, looking around in the dark. They move over to the windows, then peer over at William Pulver’s yacht in the next slip)._

DESPEREAUX  - (voice, we’re not sure where it’s coming from) Whatever took you so long?

_(Everyone jumps. Out of the shadows on the far side of the cabin, DESPEREAUX stands up. MOZZIE looks at him in wonder)._

MOZZIE - (awed whisper) Pierre Despereaux.

SHAWN - The postcard said you’d be on Pulver’s boat.

DESPEREAUX - (adjusting his black leather gloves) Well, I had to make a little change of plans, didn’t I? It seems like each time I am in town, I have an even larger welcoming committee.

GUS - (looking out the window) He’s right, Shawn. Pulver’s boat is surrounded.

DESPEREAUX - Yes, I know. Two different FBI units out looking for me? It almost makes me wish I had stolen the paintings.

GUS - So you definitely didn’t steal them?

DESPEREAUX - How long have we known each other? Am I known not to take credit for something I did?

SHAWN - He has a point, Gus. Usually, it’s the other way around.

GUS - Fine. So how are we going to get out of this one?

SHAWN - I have an idea.

 

**EXT - SANTA BARBARA HARBOR**

_(LASSITER, OHARA, PETER, NEAL, HOTCH, MORGAN, PRENTISS, and ROSSI are spread out around the yacht.)_

CHIEF VICK - (voice, over radio) Any movement?

OHARA - That’s a negative, Chief, all dark.

NEAL - Are we going in?

PETER - On the Chief’s signal. Stay behind me.

HOTCH - Your son - oh excuse me, your CI -  doesn’t need to come on the raid. Especially if you need to protect him.

PETER - He’s my responsibility, Hotchner.

HOTCH - White Collar agents aren’t exactly trained for SWAT operations.

PETER - This is an art thief. We’re here to make sure he isn’t shot fifteen times before he can be brought in for questioning.

_(At this point, all the agents are looking at the two of them rather than at the boat)._

CHIEF VICK - (voice, over radio) Move in slowly.

_(The agents follow LASSITER and OHARA quietly onto the boat. OHARA enters the front dock with PETER, NEAL, and PRENTISS, while LASSITER, MORGAN, ROSSI, and HOTCH enter from the rear deck. We follow OHARA’s group as she quietly opens the door and enters the cabin. There is a rustling sound and a figure moving in the shadows.)_

OHARA - SBPD. Drop your weapons and lie down on the ground.

_(There is some more rustling, and a sound of shattering glass)._

LASSITER - (shouting) On the ground.

HOTCH - Any sudden moves and we’ll fire.

LASSITER - (to HOTCH) I like your style.

_(There is a panicked screaming noise)._

SHAWN - (voice in darkness) Where is the freaking light switch around here?

OHARA - Shawn? (He doesn’t answer) All agents, hold your fire.

SHAWN - Where is it?

_(PRENTISS leans over and switches on the light, revealing SHAWN in the middle of the room surrounded by broken objects)_

OHARA - Shawn, please tell me there is an excellent reason why you are on William Pulver’s yacht….And why you’re dressed for a boat party at the Playboy Mansion.

_(Everyone stares as SHAWN whirls around the room, reaching his hands out as if blind or a zombie and knocking into priceless items)._

SHAWN - Yes! Oh good...the agents are here! Where are we?

LASSITER - We’re on the yacht. You know that.

SHAWN - I was brought here in a trance. The last thing I remembered was “As You Wish…” then suddenly I was here.

ROSSI - As you wish?

EVERYONE - The Princess Bride.

ROSSI - Oh.

OHARA - So you went into a trance which brought you to the very place we think Despereaux is hiding out?

SHAWN - Despereaux? Despereaux? No. No. It can’t be. His energy isn’t here. (Pauses, then starts running back and forth across the length of the ship, saying each term intermittently and not necessarily while he’s on the correct part of the ship). Wait! … Port. Starboard. Galley. Steam Engine. Art. Galley. Head. Neck.

_(The door opens again and GUS comes in. SHAWN is still running back and forth yelling)_

GUS - What’s going on?

OHARA - He’s having a vision. What are you doing here?

GUS - I followed Shawn. He was having some kind of trance.

SHAWN - Galley. Starbucks. Moby Dick. King Triton. Bow. Stern.

GUS - Only about half of those are real ship terms, Shawn.

_(SHAWN stops and runs to the left side of the ship)._

SHAWN - (shouting) Starbucks!

ROSSI - That’s port, kid.

SHAWN - (snapping out of the trance voice) Oh. Duly noted. Do you have a boat?

LASSITER - Spencer, does this little charade have a point? (He looks over at HOTCH, who nods approvingly)

SHAWN - Yes. Despereaux isn’t on this boat.

MORGAN - Well, you’re right about that one. The whole ship’s clear.

SHAWN - He’s on _that_ boat. (He points out the window toward HENRY’s boat)

OHARA - On your dad’s boat?

SHAWN - You knew my dad has a boat?

OHARA - Yeah, I’ve been on it like three times.

SHAWN - Well, yeah, then I guess he’s on my dad’s boat.

HOTCH - Are we actually going to follow this lead? (He looks over at ROSSI, who shrugs)

PETER - I don’t see why not. We didn’t find anything here and it’s about fifteen feet away.

OHARA - (into her radio) Chief, we’re going to the slip next door. Henry Spencer’s boat.

 

**EXT - SANTA BARBARA MARINA**

_(The same group, now with SHAWN and GUS, surrounds Henry Spencer’s boat)_

CHIEF VICK - (voice, over radio) Approach slowly.

_(As everyone moves in, weapons drawn, a spotlight snaps on, flooding the boat in light. DESPEREAUX is standing on the dock at the captain’s wheel)._

DESPEREAUX - Good evening.

 

**INT - POLICE STATION, INTERROGATION ROOM, EVENING**

_(We view the interrogation room through the glass. DESPEREAUX is sitting calmly at the table, wearing an orange jumpsuit, hands and feet chained. HOTCH, PETER, and CHIEF VICK are standing in the view room, and LASSITER and OHARA come out of the interrogation room to join them.)_

LASSITER - This guy’s giving us nothing. As usual.

OHARA - Well, we could check the tapes to see if his alibi checks out. He claims to have been at the marina since yesterday morning, which would at the very least confirm he didn’t behead the victims.

HOTCH - I’ll put one of my people on it. It will be easy enough to confirm or deny. (He mutters briefly into his cell phone)

PETER - But it still doesn’t answer the question of why he’s here in Santa Barbara. Why come back here if he’s not involved?

CHIEF VICK - You’re right...it doesn’t look good for him.

HOTCH - Do you want me to go in there? My team could get him to talk.

CHIEF VICK - We’ve dealt with Despereaux before. He doesn’t respond well to intimidation tactics.

PETER - My people could give it a try.

HOTCH - Burke, we had interrogation together at Quantico. I don’t think that’s a good idea.

PETER - I don’t mean me.

 

**INT - POLICE STATION, MAIN ROOM**

_(Everyone not in the interrogation view room - ROSSI, PRENTISS, REID, JONES, SHAWN, GUS, NEAL, MORGAN, and DIANA -  is in the main room of the Police Station, standing around in various groups. MOZZIE has also appeared and is looking around suspiciously)_

_(Focus in on MORGAN, who is stationed in front of a tv, angrily watching tapes of the Santa Barbara Marina. DIANA wanders up to him.)_

DIANA - Need some help with the tapes?

MORGAN - (halfheartedly, checking his watch) Hey, mama. Isn’t it about quitting time for you guys from White Collar? What are you still doing here?

DIANA - Why are you hitting on me? Didn’t that psychic out you earlier?

MORGAN - (sighs) It’s a knee-jerk response. In my department, because of the way we look, you and I would be obligated to be interested in each other.

DIANA - Well, in my network, you’re allowed to just be who you are.

MORGAN - Huh. (there’s a pause) Well, I could use some help with the tapes.

DIANA - (pulling up a chair) No problem.

_(Now focus in on NEAL and MOZZIE. PETER comes out of the interrogation room and heads toward NEAL. His surprise to see MOZZIE is obvious)._

PETER - Haversham, what are you doing here?

NEAL - How are things going with Despereaux?

PETER - He won’t talk. We need you to get him to reveal why he’s here.

MOZZIE - Neal gets to meet Despereaux? Can I come?

PETER - This is not a conman convention. I will not allow you to fawn over a noted art thief in the middle of this investigation.

NEAL - Come on, Peter. We really could use his help.

PETER - Fine. But don’t try anything. I’ll be able to hear everything you say. So will Chief Vick. And Hotchner.

NEAL - Most importantly, Hotchner.

MOZZIE - Who’s that?

NEAL - The rival suit. I’ll explain later.

_(On the other side of the room, DIANA and MORGAN look up from the TV)._

DIANA - (calling over to PETER) Boss, Despereaux’s alibi checks out. (PETER nods and he, NEAL, and MOZZIE go back into the interrogation room. DIANA turns back to MORGAN). Just apologize to him. Tell him you were scared. He’ll understand. (MORGAN nods, and DIANA pats him on the back and stands up).

 

**INT - INTERROGATION ROOM**

_(We’re back in the view room, where now just HOTCH and CHIEF VICK remain. PETER joins them while NEAL and MOZZIE pass through into the interrogation room)._

HOTCH - Who’s that? Another criminal on your team?

PETER - More of an unintentional consultant.

CHIEF VICK - I know how that goes.

_(We now focus in on NEAL and MOZZIE, who have taken a seat in front of DESPEREAUX. Both are staring at him like they’re teenage girls in the 60s and he’s Paul McCartney.)_

NEAL - Pierre Despereaux. It’s a real honor. That’s not an interrogation tactic. I sincerely mean it.

DESPEREAUX - Neal Caffrey. Likewise.

MOZZIE - You are such an influence on both of us. Where to start?

DESPEREAUX - (to NEAL) Who is this?

NEAL - I never thought we’d see this day. To what do we owe the honor?

DESPEREAUX - Why am I in Santa Barbara you mean?

NEAL - We can’t help but wonder.

DESPEREAUX - Caffrey, my boy. We all have our weakness. Yours was love - sweet, innocent, naive. Mine may be pride. Never before have I been accused of such a heinous crime.

NEAL - A Warhol! I know - I tried to tell them.

DESPEREAUX - My sincerest thanks.

 

**INT - POLICE STATION, MAIN ROOM**

_(The same group is in the Main Police Station room. A phone rings and LASSITER answers it)._

LASSITER - Lassiter. (pauses). I’ll be right there. (hangs up the phone and turns to the room at large) We have another crime scene.

_(Another phone rings and OHARA answers it.)_

OHARA - O’Hara. (pause) Got it. (To everyone) Make that two.

SHAWN - Wait for iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttttttt……………………

_(A third phone rings. SHAWN scrambles over everyone else to get it)._

SHAWN - SBPD Chief Psychic Shawn Spencer. Is there a third crime scene? (pauses). Well, I’m psychic.

 

**INT - POLICE STATION INTERROGATION ROOM**

_(NEAL and MOZZIE are still talking to DESPEREAUX while CHIEF VICK, HOTCH, and PETER look on)_

NEAL - But if you came here because of the crimes, why are you on camera while the crimes are being committed?

DESPEREAUX - I admit that part is a little difficult to swallow. But if you just listen to my British accent and try not to overthink it, you’ll see the inherent beauty of the reasoning.

_(NEAL and MOZZIE nod. We focus in on the view room, where the door bursts open and OHARA leans in)_

OHARA - Chief, there’s been three more crime scenes.

 

**EXT - SANTA BARBARA PUBLIC PARK, NIGHT**

_(CHIEF VICK, SHAWN, GUS, DIANA, PRENTISS, AND JJ arrive in the middle of a large park, complete with walking trails and old shade trees. They all stop abruptly in the center of the park, where a severed head is laying on a concrete slab.)_

CHIEF VICK - What the hell?

PRENTISS - Another severed head. Definitely the same killer.

DIANA - Well, this is certainly not Despereaux. No art, outdoors...not his style in the slightest. This scene is so weird...it’s almost as if something used to be on this slab.

GUS - You’re right. It was the fountain…..The ten foot high fountain.

SHAWN - What? Gus, don’t be Andre the Giant’s average sized brother. How could a ten foot tall fountain be gone? Why do you even know it was here?

GUS - I am an ornithologist, Shawn. I come to this park almost daily.

SHAWN - I didn’t think that went on in this park...but your business is your business.

JJ - He’s talking about bird watching.

GUS - Besides, this fountain is a landmark in Santa Barbara - people use it as a meeting place, the city lights it in red and green every Christmas. (laughs slightly) It’s even a local tradition for the college students to - (he’s interrupted)

PRENTISS - What’s this?

_(They all walk around the severed head to the far edge of the concrete patch. We see that there is a sentence written in blood - “The cow jumped over the MOON. The little boy laughed to see such a SPORT and the dish ran away with the spoon.”  We Scorsese stretch in on CHIEF VICK)._

CHIEF VICK - Oh no.

JJ - What is it?

CHIEF VICK - I know this signature. Too well.

GUS - Who is it?

CHIEF VICK - Carmen Santa Barbara.

_(Du dum pum - we pan away from the group, looking down on them in the park. A flash of red fabric flies across the screen)_

 

**[Chief Vick (Voice/Over): Begin the Crime Net Countdown: 5 are the senses you need, 4 putting crooks on the run, 3 rounds to fight against greed, 2 be sure that justice has, 1! …. Rockapella]**

 

End credits: Where in the World is Carmen Santa Barbara

 


	2. Triple Threat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've made it this far...thanks! You're awesome! 
> 
> On to 'Episode' 2!

**Episode 2: Triple Threat**

 

**FLASHBACK: INT - FBI ACADEMY, QUANTICO, VIRGINIA, 1987**

_ (We’re back at the FBI Academy, in the same room, with the same INSTRUCTOR as before. The INSTRUCTOR is using a film projector to show different images to the class. The young HOTCH and PETER are still beside each other in the front of the room, but now this position shows an air of competition, not camaraderie.) _

INSTRUCTOR - Say you come upon this crime scene. What can you tell me about the potential suspect? (He clicks to move the film forward, and we see a sepia-tinted photograph of a conference room in a standard office building. On the table lies a body). 

HOTCH - No sign of a struggle. The victim knew his attacker. 

PETER - (a little louder than HOTCH) The scattered paperwork, coupled with the fact this is clearly a high profile company, suggests the attacker was looking for something. And was probably financially motivated. 

HOTCH - (a little louder than PETER) Victim wasn’t stabbed or shot. I’d need to see the ME’s report, but it looks like he may have been strangled, indicating the killer was impotent, probably has some kind of mommy issues, and a woman rejecting him explains away all his behavior with a convenient, though sexist excuse.  

PETER - (louder still) And the traces of Armani suit fibers, along with the carpet treads from Hugo Boss shoes, tell us that the killer is upper class and works in the same industry as the victim. Probably an upper middle manager at the same firm...an inside job. 

  
  


**EXT - SANTA BARBARA BASEBALL STADIUM, DAY**

_ (It is the very next day, and we open on another crime scene. The gathering area in front of the baseball stadium has been roped off with caution tape. The severed head has been removed, but the writing in blood is still here. We zoom in on it: “Jack and Jill went up the HILL to fetch a pail of WATER. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.”) _

_ (CHIEF VICK, HENRY SPENCER, LASSITER, and OHARA walk up to the scene from one direction and stand around, looking at it.) _

_ (We zoom back to watch the White Collar team - PETER, NEAL, DIANA, JONES approach the scene. NEAL and DIANA both look tired. DIANA carries two lattes, one in each hand).  _

NEAL - (reaching toward one of the lattes) Thanks, Diana. 

DIANA - Oh no, Caffrey, these are both for me. 

JONES - (jokingly) Long night for you too? We all know Caffrey spent the evening with a special somebody from Behavioral Analysis. 

PETER - He most certainly did not. 

NEAL - Her room is more than a hundred feet from Peter’s. So I spent the night watching baseball and listening to him tell Elizabeth how much he misses her. 

PETER - Via FaceTime, on the iPad 5.

JONES - Awww. 

NEAL - What’s your excuse, Diana?

DIANA - I never should have told Morgan to make up with the talking computer. Their room is right next to mine. 

JONES - I think she wins this round, Caffrey. 

_ (They approach the crime scene and greet the SBPD team. The BAU team approaches - HOTCH, ROSSI, PRENTISS, who looks angry, JJ, then MORGAN and REID with their arms around each other. HOTCH doesn’t pick up on this detail.) _

 

**[PRENTISS (voice/over): Author Tracy Kidder wrote,  “In a very basic way, a prominent landmark ...tells you where you are. They let you know you are not the first person in a place.”]**

 

PETER - Good morning. What have we got?

CHIEF VICK - The heads have all been moved to the morgue, but we wanted to get another look at all of the crime scenes in the daylight. 

ROSSI - Good thought. (He gestures toward where a raised concrete pad stands empty in front of the stadium) Now I can tell something is missing here, but I’m not sure what it is. 

HENRY - The Seattle Seabird - it was a statue of their mascot. 

DIANA - How big of a statue?

HENRY - Ten, fifteen feet high. And it was probably made out of…

_ (He is interrupted by a flapping sound.) _

GUS (voice, from over the bullhorn speakers atop the stadium) - Solid steel, which weighs - 

REID - (interrupting) Four hundred ninety pounds per cubic foot. 

GUS - (voice, over speakers, clears throat) Yes. So this statue was - 

_ (He is interrupted as bursts of fog come out of either side of the stadium doors, which open dramatically. SHAWN is revealed in the Seattle Seabird Mascot costume, but with the head off).  _

CHIEF VICK - Oh my god. 

GUS - (voice, over speakers) I wasn’t done, Shawn. 

LASSITER - Spencer, what the hell is this? 

HENRY - Shawn, why are you in the bird suit? Again?

OHARA - And where is the mask?

SHAWN - The spirits commanded that I speak!

GUS - (voice, over radio) And he didn’t want to mess up his hair. 

_ (Everyone from SBPD looks on with a mixture of embarrassment and boredom as SHAWN raises the bird wings and flaps around the courtyard while speaking. Everyone else just stares at him).  _

SHAWN - Bah, bah, black sheep, have you any wool? Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full. 

OHARA - (embarrassed) Oh my god. 

SHAWN - One for the master, one for the dame. One for the little boy who lives down the lane. 

HOTCH - What’s he talking about?

SHAWN - Bahhhhh!!! Bahhhhh!!!!

JONES - That was at our crime scene last night. The one at the boardwalk with the missing giant donut in front of the donut shop. But he wasn’t there. 

ROSSI - I’m sure he just went there and looked at it. 

OHARA - Oh, Shawn isn’t known for putting in extra hours. 

CHIEF VICK - Mr. Spencer, what are you trying to say?

SHAWN - (stops flapping and stands in front of REID, dropping his voice to its “spiritual” tone) Tell me this...As I was wandering to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Every wife had seven sacks, every sack had seven cats, and every cat had seven kits. Kits, cats, men, wives, how many were traveling to St. Ives?

REID - Two thousand, eight hundred, and two. 

GUS - (over speaker) No! It’s a trick question. 

PRENTISS - I don’t get it. 

GUS - (over speaker) Only the narrator is traveling to St. Ives. If he meets everyone else on his  **way** to St. Ives, it means the rest of them are  **leaving** St. Ives - 

PRENTISS - (interrupting) No. I don’t get how that one fits in. Our crime scene last night didn’t have St. Ives, it had Hey Diddle, Diddle … or part of it. 

DIANA - And this one has Jack and Jill. 

JJ - (To SHAWN) Are you trying to say that the fact that they’re nursery rhymes contains the clue? Isn’t that always how this Carmen Santa Barbara character works?

CHIEF VICK - No, the capital letters are how Carmen Santa Barbara works - not to mention the impossible-to-steal artifacts. The nursery rhymes are new. I think we should regroup at the station. (looks at SHAWN) In our normal clothes. 

 

**EXT - SANTA BARBARA POLICE STATION**

_ (SHAWN and GUS are walking up the steps to the police station, each holding a smoothie in one hand and a donut in the other) _

SHAWN - How are these donuts this delicious ten hours later? They still taste like they just came off the rack. 

GUS - Say what you want about Carmen Santa Barbara, she has a good taste in crime scenes. 

SHAWN - As long as we can get Chief Vick to realize that nursery rhymes totally aren’t Despereaux’s style. 

GUS - Oh, I think she’s over Despereaux. This thing with Carmen Santa Barbara...it’s personal. 

  
  


**INT - SANTA BARBARA POLICE STATION, CONFERENCE ROOM**

_ (The conference room is crowded with everyone from SBPD, BAU, and White Collar. All of the seats are filled and people are standing against the walls.  CHIEF VICK is in front of the room next to a projection screen, which displays a rotating collection of photographs from the crime scenes. SHAWN and GUS open the door, and instead of staying near it, fight their way past everyone to go to the opposite corner. It takes a while to accomplish this as the rest of the scene plays out.) _

CHIEF VICK - Carmen Santa Barbara has been on my radar for years. Since I was a detective myself, in fact. 

PETER - But she’s never been brought in? You don’t know her actual identity?

CHIEF VICK - No. The only way we even know her pseudonym is that she signs it (clicks to a picture of “Carmen Santa Barbara” written in red in front of an empty field). 

MORGAN - Was that blood?

CHIEF VICK - Paint. It’s never been blood before. 

JJ - But we didn’t find a signature at any of the crime scenes. 

HENRY SPENCER - You wouldn’t. She always commits a series of three smaller heists leading up a major one. Each of the three original heists will have a riddle, written in red paint. Added together, the riddles point to the location of the primary heist. 

CHIEF VICK - Or at least they do in retrospect. We’ve never been able to catch her before the main heist. 

DIANA - But that would mean you’re missing a lot of landmarks around here. Why would anyone even build anything?

HENRY SPENCER - No, that’s the other thing that makes her even more difficult to catch. Whatever she steals...she always puts it back. As if it’s never been gone. 

MORGAN - Then what’s her motivation?

NEAL - (knowingly) The thrill of the chase. Knowing that everyone around town is talking about her next move, anticipating it. Then still being able to pull it off with all eyes trained on her. I take back what I said about Despereaux... **this** is the perfect crime. 

JONES - But how is Despereaux involved here? Was he just an opening act? She sets up three Despereaux crime scenes to point to three of her own crime scenes to point to her ‘main heist’ as you call it?

HENRY SPENCER - I think that’s the best theory we have so far. 

LASSITER - But aren’t we forgetting an important little detail here?

OHARA - What’s that?

LASSITER - Oh, I don’t know...maybe the six severed heads we’ve found around Santa Barbara?

PRENTISS - He’s right. Carmen Santa Barbara sounds like a prankster. Barely even a thief. Why would she devolve into murder?

HOTCH - Perhaps she has evolved into murder. 

MORGAN - Sick son of a bitch….Or...daughter of a bitch I guess. 

PETER - You’re saying a woman committed six gruesome murders? How often does that happen?

REID - Statistically, every 3.4 cases, but it gets us every time. 

CHIEF VICK - We can’t know for sure she’s committed the murders. We can’t even be sure she’s committed the thefts until the statues come back. But it’s all we have right now. We need to locate her. 

SHAWN - (starts stretching and bumping into everyone, who leans over to get out of his way) Chief? Chief Vick? Jules? Lassie? 

OHARA - What, Shawn?

SHAWN - (takes a few deep breaths, as if he can’t get enough air, then in a breathy voice) Despereaux! (He fall face forward onto the table with a crash. No one reacts)

LASSITER - Is that all he can talk about lately?

CHIEF VICK - We’ll re-interview Despereaux. 

HOTCH - We’ll put together a psycho-linguistic and geographical profile. 

PETER - We’ll look into - 

HOTCH - The artifacts stolen? I’m glad White Collar is here to provide such helpful information. 

_ (They glare at each other for a minute).  _

CHIEF VICK - Sounds great. Let’s get to work. We need to figure this out. Figure out...Where in the World is Carmen Santa Barbara?

LASSITER - (after a pause) Santa Barbara, probably. Right?

OHARA - About 99% sure. 

  
  


**INT - SANTA BARBARA POLICE STATION, INTERROGATION ROOM**

**_(_ ** _ CHIEF VICK, OHARA, SHAWN, and GUS are all standing in the view room, regarding DESPEREAUX, who is still in a prison jumpsuit, sitting serenely at the table in the interrogation room).  _

OHARA - I wish I looked like that after a night without sleep. 

SHAWN - I wish you did too. 

OHARA - Do not start with me, Shawn. You already embarrassed me in front of all those agents. 

SHAWN - Who cares? It’s not like you’re trying to join the FBI...are you? (OHARA doesn’t respond) Jules?

CHIEF VICK - Let’s focus on Despereaux. Spencer and Guster will interrogate him. He only wants to talk to them anyway, and we don’t have time to play games here. Get in, get the information about Carmen Santa Barbara, and get out. No hijinks. 

SHAWN - What about shenanigans?

CHIEF VICK - No. 

SHAWN - Tomfoolery?

CHIEF VICK - Get. In. There. Before I change my mind. 

_ (GUS thumbs his nose and follows SHAWN into the interrogation room, where they both sit across from Despereaux.) _

DESPEREAUX - Back to let me go, are you?

SHAWN - Not exactly. But we’re getting closer to finding out who did commit the murders. 

GUS - But we need your help. 

DESPEREAUX - Need my help, now, do you?

GUS - That’s literally what I just said. 

DESPEREAUX - What can I do for you?

SHAWN - Tell us everything you know about Carmen Santa Barbara. 

DESPEREAUX - (eyes narrow slightly, which SHAWN catches with a “ping”) I know nothing of Carmen Santa Barbara. 

GUS - I’m sure you’ve heard - 

DESPEREAUX - (interrupting, gets increasingly louder and more flustered throughout the speech) I haven’t heard of Carmen Santa Barbara. I haven’t heard that despicable name muttered throughout town, each time an increasingly improbable landmark is stolen, mid daylight, right out from under the noses of law enforcement. I haven’t seen her ridiculous riddles, written in red paint, simple - yet not easy to decipher...but oh so obvious after the fact. I haven’t heard that she dresses in red, that she uses false names to cover the preparation for the heists, that she must be some kind of magician or ...artist. 

GUS - So there really is no criminal’s code of silence or anything, is there?

SHAWN - (hand raised to temple) That’s not it, Gus. (looks at Despereaux, a little disappointed) He knows that what he’s worked so hard just to  **pretend** to do, Carmen Santa Barbara has been doing all along. 

_ (CHIEF VICK enters the interrogation room, holding a sketchpad and pencil. She lays them in front of DESPEREAUX) _

CHIEF VICK - Draw her. 

  
  


**INT - SANTA BARBARA CONFERENCE ROOM**

**_(_ ** _ The BAU team is looking through various pictures and files while LASSITER watches. REID is drawing three circles on a Santa Barbara map) _

LASSITER - (to REID) I’m confused as to what exactly it is you do. 

REID - (whiny, high pitched voice) I do the maps! … Morgan!

MORGAN - (walking over to REID and LASSITER) He’s completing what we call a geographical profile. Criminals operate in a comfort zone surrounding their home or place of business. By studying the dump sites for the heads, we can get an idea of where the unsub lives or works. 

_ (CHIEF VICK, OHARA, SHAWN, and GUS enter the room. CHIEF VICK posts a sketch on one of the whiteboards. It is of a woman with a hat over about 90% of her face).  _

CHIEF VICK - Agents, this is Pierre Despereaux’s drawing of Carmen Santa Barbara. Mr. Spencer found out that she is some kind of rival of his, which gives us a motive. 

HOTCH - We’ll have our technical analyst see what she can find out. 

_ (HOTCH nods toward MORGAN, who takes out his phone and calls GARCIA. We go into a back-and-forth MORGAN/GARCIA conversation).  _

GARCIA- I was starting to think you’d forgotten all about me. When are you going to come back for some Brokeback Quantico?

MORGAN - As soon as we catch this guy, Carmen Santa Barbara. I’m going to send you a sketch. Run it through facial recognition software. 

GARCIA - You got it! (hangs up)

_ (We go back to the room at large. REID draws a few lines on the map and lights up) _

REID - Hey, Hotch! (HOTCH and ROSSI walk over to the map) Look at this! I triangulated the three locations for the more recent dump sites - the park, the donut shop, and the baseball stadium, which gives us an area of around 6.78 square miles. Now (indicates this on the map) if you take the angle bisectors for each of the three angles - 

SHAWN - I don’t know why that’s relevant. Bisectors are welcome here and everything, but they don’t need to be called out in front of - 

GUS - That’s a mathematical term, Shawn. (They whisper furiously at each other)

HOTCH - (to REID) Ignore them. Continue. 

REID - Okay. If you take the angle bisectors for the three angles, the point they converge at is the Santa Barbara Playhouse. 

OHARA - Despereaux did say Carmen Santa Barbara has to be some kind of magician or artist. What about a stage hand? An actress?

_ (They are interrupted as MORGAN’s phone rings. He puts it on speaker and we go back and forth between GARCIA and everyone else).  _

GARCIA - If Reid wouldn’t kill you for it, you’d owe me a big smooch for what I’m about to tell you …  **where** would be your choice. 

_ (Everyone but HOTCH cringes at this. HOTCH is totally oblivious) _

MORGAN - You’re on speaker, baby girl. 

GARCIA - Well, in that case, let’s just say the facial recognition software gave us a hit. (She types furiously and brings up a picture to her screen). Sending the picture to your tablets. 

_ (A few clicks later, a California Driver’s License is displayed on the big screen).  _

CHIEF VICK - (reading off the screen) Isla Paxton-Freeley. Could this really be her?

ROSSI - Garcia, what other information do you have?

GARCIA - Isla Paxton-Freeley, age 39. Lifelong resident of Santa Barbara. No criminal history. Parents Sarah Nade-Paxton and R. Roni “Mac” Freeley. Works at the - 

PRENTISS - Let me guess. 

GARCIA - The Santa Barbara Playhouse. 

  
  


**INT - SURVEILLANCE VAN, OUTSIDE SANTA BARBARA PLAYHOUSE**

**_(_ ** _ LASSITER, REID, ROSSI, and JONES are in the van near the Santa Barbara Playhouse, setting up equipment).  _

LASSITER - I can’t believe I’m in the van. 

JONES - You get used to it. 

ROSSI - And I think Chief Vick wants to take Carmen Santa Barbara down herself. Though it is kind of weird that we’re all men. 

REID - Yeah, if this were a tv show, there’d be...well a 0% chance that only men would be in the van. 

ROSSI - I guess we’re not in Quantico anymore, Toto. 

REID - Who’s Toto?

  
  


**EXT - OUTSIDE SANTA BARBARA PLAYHOUSE**

_ (Everyone not in the van is approaching the playhouse, which is a small, ivy-covered brick building surrounded by a garden and courtyard. CHIEF VICK, HOTCH, and PETER lead the way, followed by NEAL, MORGAN, PRENTISS, DIANA, and JJ.) _

CHIEF VICK - I’m going to go in the front door, and take these three with me.

_ (She indicates over her shoulder to the very end of the line, where SHAWN and GUS are chained on either side to DESPEREAUX, who is still is the orange jumpsuit. O’Hara is behind them with her gun drawn. We focus on them momentarily) _

GUS - I can’t believe we’re chained to Despereaux. 

DESPEREAUX - Believe me, the indignity is all mine. 

SHAWN - This is like the Princess Bride. Which makes me Inigo Montoya. Carmen Santa Barbara is Buttercup, and you’re Fezzik. 

GUS - No. I’m Inigo Montoya. You’re Fezzik. 

OHARA - But who would that make Despereaux?

SHAWN - (stops walking and pauses to consider) Yeah, I guess that one doesn’t work. 

_ (We go back to CHIEF VICK) _

CHIEF VICK - O’Hara, I want you to take the front entrance with Agent Barrigan and Agent Jareau. Agent Hotchner, you, Agent Prentiss, Agent Morgan, Agent Burke, and Mr. Caffrey guard the back. There are two exits according to their maps. 

PETER - You think she’s going to run?

CHIEF VICK - There’s no reason to believe she’ll come quietly.    
  
  
  


**INT - SANTA BARBARA PLAYHOUSE**

_ (We come in on the inside of the Santa Barbara Playhouse, where CHIEF VICK opens the door and lets in SHAWN, GUS, and DESPEREAUX, still in chains. We see vaguely in the background that a rehearsal is going on.) _

CHIEF VICK - (whisper) Sit down. (SHAWN, GUS, and DESPEREAUX shuffle awkwardly down an aisle and sit three-across in the back row). You are here for identification purposes only. Do not get any crazy ideas. 

_ (CHIEF VICK sits down next to the chained-up trio, and we focus in on the rehearsal happening on stage.  We’re in the middle of a rehearsal of “Guys and Dolls.” A DIRECTOR is in front of the stage, calling out orders.) _

DIRECTOR - Company, on stage for the next number. Lights! (Nothing happens) Hey! People in the soundbooth! Can we get some lights? (The lights come on)

CHIEF VICK - I’m thinking Carmen Santa Barbara has to be one of the stage hands or choreographers, to have the kind of special effects knowledge needed to pull off the heists. 

DIRECTOR - Action! 

_ (The company starts performing - it’s a bunch of men in sweats and other warm-up clothes. They start performing “Sit Down, You’re Rocking the Boat,” standing amid a bunch of prop suitcases.  CHIEF VICK glances at SHAWN, and they both shrug, looking around the theater. Then a woman stands up from amid the suitcases. Unlike the rest of the cast, she is in a bright red Marilyn-Monroe-style dress and a floppy red hat. She starts singing the main verse of the song.) _

DESPEREAUX - (whispers) That’s her. 

CARMEN - (on stage, singing)  You're on a heavenly trip, People all said beware, Beware, you'll scuttle the ship. And the devil will drag you under, By the fancy tie 'round your wicked throat, Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, Sit down, you're rockin' the boat. (She starts dancing)

CHIEF VICK - (whispers) She’s not a stage hand. Or a choreographer. Are you sure that’s her?

DESPEREAUX - I should have known. Actress, singer, dancer…

GUS - The ultimate triple threat.

_ (The song ends and the DIRECTOR stands to give notes.) _

DIRECTOR - Isla, that was great. Guys, we need to talk about investment in your roles. 

CHIEF VICK - It is her. 

_ (CHIEF VICK stands up and approaches the stage, leaving SHAWN, GUS, and DESPEREAUX chained to each other in the back row.) _

CHIEF VICK - Excuse me. 

DIRECTOR - Who are you?

CHIEF VICK - I’m Chief Vick of the Santa Barbara Police Department. 

DIRECTOR - (to one of the guys on stage) Jackson, I knew that wasn’t salad in your locker. 

CHIEF VICK - That’s not why...the chief wouldn’t come out for...I’m here to speak to Isla Paxton-Freeley. 

CARMEN - (steps forwards on stage, then talks in a shy little voice) That’s me, Chief. I’m happy to help, but I don’t know why you’d need to talk to me. 

CHIEF VICK - I think you do, Carmen. 

_ (They stare at each other for a minute, then CARMEN jumps off the stage. At first, it looks like she’s going to go willingly, then she turns and runs up the center aisle and out the front door of the playhouse).  _

CHIEF VICK - (into her radio) O’Hara, she’s coming your way. 

_ (SHAWN, GUS, and DESPEREAUX stand up. DESPEREAUX is now wearing a suit and tie) _

GUS - (to SHAWN) Did he just change? When did that happen?

SHAWN - I don’t know. A few minutes ago. I was watching the play. 

GUS - He took off his clothes and changed while he was chained to us? 

DESPEREAUX - You don’t think I’d let Carmen Santa Barbara see me in that, do you?

_ (They all start to shuffle toward the door).  _

  
  
  


**EXT - OUTSIDE SANTA BARBARA PLAYHOUSE**

**_(_ ** _ CARMEN bursts through the door of the Playhouse, where OHARA, DIANA, and JJ are waiting. OHARA reaches out to stop her, and CARMEN hits OHARA with the palm of her hand and runs by. OHARA doubles over. JJ and DIANA take off after CARMEN, who is running toward the edge of the grounds. DIANA jumps and tackles her, sending both of them into a rosebush. They stand up, clothes torn up, and CARMEN shoves at DIANA, who lands a punch to her jaw.  _

_ We go back to the door, where CHIEF VICK emerges, followed by SHAWN, GUS, and DESPEREAUX.) _

CHIEF VICK - O’Hara, are you alright?

OHARA - Oh yeah. 

_ (OHARA takes off running after the fight. She catches up as CARMEN strikes out at DIANA. O’HARA tackles her, pulling her down to the ground. CARMEN kicks DIANA’s legs out from under her, sending her to the ground, and stands back up. JJ roundhouse kicks her in the face. CARMEN stumbles slightly, and OHARA grabs one arm to cuff her. She swings the other at JJ and DIANA kicks CARMEN in the stomach. JJ seizes the opportunity to grab the other arm. CARMEN continues to struggle. After a minute, she manages to make it out of OHARA and JJ’s hold, but CHIEF VICK comes out of nowhere and hits CARMEN across the face with the back of her forearm. CARMEN falls backward to the ground.) _

CHIEF VICK - Nice work. Let’s bring her in. 

  
  


**INT - SANTA BARBARA POLICE STATION, MAIN ROOM**

_ (CHIEF VICK, HOTCH, and PETER are all standing together in one corner of the police station, while everyone else mills about in various groups. SHAWN and GUS have been freed from their shackles and are hanging around NEAL and MOZZIE, who has reappeared) _

CHIEF VICK - Carmen Santa Barbara has been operating in our precinct for years. I think it will have a greater impact if one of your teams interrogates her. 

HOTCH AND PETER - (over each other) We’ll do it. 

HOTCH - We’re behavioral analysts, Burke. Interrogation of suspects is what we do. We wrote the handbook. 

PETER - I’ve read that handbook. It spells out exactly what we learned in our interrogation class at Quantico. Besides, Carmen Santa Barbara isn’t a serial killer, she’s a thief. It’s more of our territory. 

HOTCH - Not a serial killer? Six people are missing their heads, Burke. 

CHIEF VICK - Agents. 

PETER - Fine. If there’s one thing we learned in interrogation class, it’s that any woman will crack if you just find the right person to flirt with her. 

CHIEF VICK - What?

  
  


**INT - SANTA BARBARA POLICE STATION, INTERROGATION ROOM**

_ (CHIEF VICK, HENRY SPENCER, HOTCH, and PETER stand in the view room. In the interrogation room, DESPEREAUX and CARMEN are both at the table, facing away from each other. DESPEREAUX is still in his suit, and CARMEN still in the red dress, though she looks pretty beat up from the fight.) _

PETER - Let’s do this. 

_ (Over the next sequence, we will see a variety of people enter the interrogation room, one rapidly following the other. NEAL is first) _

NEAL - (flirtatious Neal Caffrey voice) I must say, I was very impressed. Pulling off three heists in a night...can you imaging what we would accomplish if we could work together? (CARMEN looks at him blankly)

_ (NEAL is replaced by MORGAN) _

MORGAN - Hey baby girl, is that a gun in your dress, or are you just happy to see me? (CARMEN rolls her eyes)

_ (MORGAN is replaced by ROSSI) _

ROSSI - I’m always looking for the next ex-Mrs. Rossi. (CARMEN yawns)

_ (ROSSI is replaced by PETER) _

PETER - Um...hi. (CARMEN looks at her watch)

_ (PETER is replaced by REID) _

REID - Did you know that physical attraction manifests itself in increased dopamine and serotonin levels? I guess what I’m saying is that if you took my blood right now… (CARMEN dismisses him with a wave of her hand)

_ (We go to CHIEF VICK and HENRY) _

HENRY - I’m starting to have my doubts about this. 

CHIEF VICK - Starting?

_ (We go back to the interrogation room, where REID is replaced by JONES) _

JONES - I must say, you look lovely this afternoon. (CARMEN leans forward and rests her chin against her hand)

_ (JONES is replaced by HOTCH) _

HOTCH - You know, I’m looking for a new mother for my son. (CARMEN leans further forward and she rests her head on both hands)

_ (HOTCH is replaced by SHAWN and GUS, who perform one of their dances. CARMEN lays her head on her hands directly on the table, though her face is still turned so she can see them. SHAWN and GUS are replaced by LASSITER).  _

LASSITER - Listen up. You’re going to tell us right now where those bodies are…

_ (HOTCH clears his throat over the intercom and LASSITER leaves the room. CARMEN’s head is now buried in her arms so we can’t see her face.) _

HOTCH - That detective needs to go back to interrogation school. 

PETER - Right. He has no idea how to flirt. (It’s funny because Peter can’t flirt! White Collar fans go nuts!)

_ (They remember that they hate each other and glare) _

CHIEF VICK - Well, agents, it appears we’re all out of options. 

PETER - Not quite. 

_ (We see MOZZIE enter the room. He looks truly smitten with CARMEN SANTA BARBARA) _

MOZZIE - Carmen Santa Barbara. It’s an honor. Tell me...are you single?

_ (Slowly, Carmen raises her head from the table and regards MOZZIE for a long moment. Everyone in the view room looks at each other) _

PETER - Could it be…?

_ (CARMEN gives a very slow smile, sitting forward to stare longingly at MOZZIE) _

CARMEN - Oh honey. For you…..(Everyone holds their breath) No. 

_ (MOZZIE walks out dejectedly) _

CHIEF VICK - We need to regroup. 

_ (All the cops leave the interrogation area).  _

CARMEN - Is it just me, or was that…

DESPEREAUX - It was nowhere near the treatment I received. They approached me as an expert, sought my opinion. It made me feel part of the process. Much more respectful than that charade. 

CARMEN - Right? I mean, that’s all I ask. Respect me as a criminal, you know?

_ (DESPEREAUX nods. Then they remember that they hate each other, glare, and turn back to back again).  _

  
  


**INT - POLICE STATION, MAIN ROOM**

_ (Everyone is back in the central room of the police station. It’s been taken over by pictures, files, etc on CARMEN SANTA BARBARA. Everyone is grouped up, generally by team, and the atmosphere is getting heated) _

HOTCH - She’s not talking. Only someone guilty can maintain that much composure. 

PETER - Especially in front of a parade of variably handsome men. 

MOZZIE - Even I am forced to admit that the attractiveness quotient of the suits in this room is much higher than on average. Disconcertingly so. 

GUS - You know that’s right. 

SHAWN - Gus, don’t be the smallest bald, black man in the room right now. 

PRENTISS - So what’s our next move? 

DIANA - We could interrogate her using a different approach…

ROSSI - We need to profile her. With or without her cooperation. 

JONES - Have we checked out her house? Maybe the bodies are buried there. 

LASSITER - A couple of black and blues checked it out. Nothing there. 

JJ - When did that happen?

LASSITER - Earlier. 

JJ - Why didn’t we know about it?

LASSITER - Because there was nothing there. It would have just been dead air.

JJ - Dead air for who?

JONES - So she has some other kind of operating base?

MORGAN - Probably a kill room in an abandoned building. 

OHARA - Or she wasn’t behind the murders.

HOTCH - Are you suggesting that someone is bastardizing her tactics the same way she employed Despereaux’s signature?

OHARA - Or someone is ripping off both of them. 

PETER - What would be the chances of that?

ROSSI - Have the statues come back yet?

HENRY SPENCER - No. But with Carmen in custody, that makes sense. 

MORGAN - I think Barrigan and O’Hara bring up good points. (Everyone from his team glares at him). I mean, it can’t hurt to figure out what the main heist was supposed to be, would it? That would at least give us a starting point. 

_ (SHAWN and GUS ride in on either side of a rolling whiteboard, which REID approaches and writes down the three clues:  _

_ Jack and Jill went up the HILL to fetch a pail of WATER. Jack fell down, and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after. _

_ The cow jumped over the MOON. The little boy laughed to see such a SPORT, and the dish ran away with the spoon.  _

_ Yes, sir, yes, sir, THREE bags full. One for the master, one for the dame, one for the little boy who lives down the LANE.) _

REID - Each clue had two words written in capital letters. (Writes them separately while listing). Hill, Water, Moon, Sport, Three, Lane. 

ROSSI - Chief Vick, according to the pattern, it’s the capital letters that lead to the next heist, correct?

CHIEF VICK - That’s correct. 

HOTCH - Then we need to figure out what she was planning to steal. 

_ (REID grabs a map of Santa Barbara, which he hangs up. Everyone starts shouting theories at once. Amid the chaos, OHARA nods to JJ, who nods to DIANA. The three slip from the room unnoticed) _

  
  


**INT - POLICE STATION, INTERROGATION ROOM**

_ (JJ, DIANA, and OHARA enter the view room, then proceed directly into the interrogation room. They stand around the table where CARMEN and DESPEREAUX are sitting silently) _

OHARA - Ms. Paxton-Freeley, did you steal the three landmarks?

CARMEN - Which three landmarks?

JJ - The Donut, the Seabird, and the Fountain. 

CARMEN - Perhaps. 

DIANA - Then  **you** wrote these messages. (She lays three pictures of the messages in front of CARMEN, who examines them. She cringes slightly but doesn’t say anything)

OHARA - You’ve never operated in nursery rhymes before. 

CARMEN - One must be constantly evolving as a professional. 

JJ - Is this an evolution?

DESPEREAUX - It seems like a step backwards if you ask me. Rather juvenile. 

EVERYONE - No one asked you. 

OHARA - So you chopped the heads off six people, attempted to frame Despereaux for it, then changed your mind and decided to claim credit yourself?

CARMEN - Yes. (The cops look at each other, confused, then CARMEN realizes what she’s just said). Wait, what? 

DIANA - (laying three more pictures on the table) There were found at each of your heists. Those messages are written in blood. 

OHARA - We don’t think you wrote these messages. We don’t think you stole these landmarks. 

CARMEN - It does look like my work. 

JJ - Then I suppose you don’t mind being framed for murdering six people and displaying their heads around Santa Barbara. It does sound like this character Carmen Santa Barbara that you’ve created. 

CARMEN - (sighs) Fine. Of course I wouldn’t kill anyone. I love Santa Barbara. 

OHARA - Then why are you always stealing everything?

CARMEN - It always comes back, doesn’t it? And in the meantime, the publicity from the heists really boosts the business doesn’t it? Last year, when I stole the giant tire from Mac’s tire factory, sales increased by 92%. 

DIANA - So that’s your schtick? You partner with business owners to give them publicity?

JJ - (indicating DESPEREAUX) Well, you two are certainly birds of a feather. 

CARMEN - You’re not going to tell Chief Vick, are you?

OHARA - No, it’s too...embarrassing. Kind of a let down on all accounts, really. 

DIANA - If you  **had** written these clues, where would they lead?

JJ - The capitalized words are hill, water, moon, sport, three, and lane. 

CARMEN - I don’t need to know what the words are. Anyone who knows anything about me knows what my ultimate heist would be. 

  
  


**INT - POLICE STATION, MAIN ROOM**

_ (OHARA, JJ, and DIANA re-enter the main room of the police station, where a full-scale shouting match is going on.) _

OHARA - Excuse me! (Everyone keeps shouting and doesn’t hear her). We know where the unsub’s going! (No one responds)

_ (OHARA walks over to SHAWN and GUS, who are sharing a bag of popcorn and drinking from comically huge foam cups.) _

OHARA - Shawn, can you get their attention for me? We know the primary location. 

SHAWN - Of course. I’m going to need three orders of buffalo wings - 

GUS - With a side of ranch. 

SHAWN - A hose from the fire department, and a liferaft shaped like a pineapple. 

OHARA - (reaches toward her desk) How about a megaphone?

SHAWN - Done. 

_ (SHAWN and GUS stand up on OHARA’s desk, with SHAWN holding the megaphone. He presses down and makes the obnoxious feedback sound, which causes everyone to stop and put their hands over their ears.) _

SHAWN - Now that I have your attention…. 

_ (OHARA starts to speak, but SHAWN keeps going, singing into the megaphone. Throughout this sequence, SHAWN and GUS pass the megaphone back and forth with each line). _

SHAWN - Mock!

GUS - Yeah!

SHAWN - Ing!

GUS - Yeah!

SHAWN - Bird!

GUS - Yeah!

SHAWN - Yeah!

GUS - Yeah!

SHAWN - Mockingbird, well, everybody have you heard?

GUS - Have you heard?

SHAWN - She’s going to steal the Santa Barbara Pier!

GUS - Santa Barbara Pier!  

_ (Everyone looks between them and the clues written on the board. They start to pack up and head toward the door. SHAWN and GUS jump off the desk).  _

OHARA - How did you know that? (SHAWN points to his temple). When were you going to say something?

_ (They follow everyone else to the front door).  _

 

**INT - UNDISCLOSED LOCATION**

_ (We see a dirty, dark room with the windows covered. A headless body is laying on a wooden slab. We don’t see the person doing the work, just a pair of hands in dirty work gloves. The hands pick up a long decorative sword, swing it high overhead, and bring it down onto the body with a gross squelching sound) _

  
  


**EXT - SANTA BARBARA POLICE STATION, EVENING**

_ (Everyone is coming out of the station, moving quickly toward the cars.) _

MORGAN - How are we going to do this?

HOTCH - Morgan, you know we’re contractually obligated to Chevy. 

PETER - And we’re contractually obligated to Ford. 

HENRY SPENCER - I drive a Ford!

CHIEF VICK - Henry, you’re not allowed to say that. We’re under contract with Toyota. 

HENRY SPENCER - You’re right. Let’s go places. 

CHIEF VICK - We need to get to the pier immediately. Everyone just get into a car that doesn’t break your exclusivity contract. 

_ (Everyone jumps into vehicles, which immediately speed off, sirens blaring) _

  
  


**EXT - SANTA BARBARA PIER, NIGHT**

_ (It is night at the Pier. We see some sped up White Collar style of boats zipping back and forth across the harbor. Five SUVs, sirens roaring, skid into the grass in front of the pier. Everyone jumps out and runs toward the pier, which is still firmly in place.  _

_ On the way, they slow to a walk as they see concrete, steel, and plastic pieces scattered throughout the sidewalk in front of the pier. We hear the Psych “ping” noise as SHAWN connects the pieces to the fountain, donut, and seabird.) _

SHAWN - It’s the landmarks. 

LASSITER - O’Hara was right. Carmen Santa Barbara didn’t steal those. 

ROSSI - Or they’d still be in one piece. 

_ (Everyone proceeds slowly toward the pier itself. Everyone with a gun draws it).  _

CHIEF VICK - (loud) This is the SBPD. I need all civilians to exit the pier immediately. 

_ (The cops/agents hold still until all extras have cleared from the pier, then they enter slowly, guns still drawn.  _

_ Gradually, the scene gets brighter and brighter. One by one, everyone lifts a hand, as if to shield their eyes from the sun) _

SHAWN - Jules, what’s going on?

REID - Morgan, what the hell is this?

JONES - I’ve never seen anything like this. 

HOTCH - I have. 

_ (We zoom in on GUS, who drops in a dead faint. Then NEAL, who does the same)  _

 

**[PETER (voice/over) - Ask not what your country can...why would a quote make any sense here? How could a quote wrap this up nicely? ...Peter Burke]**

 

Go to credits - no music

 


	3. Triumvirate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, people! Will they solve the case? (Spoiler alert: Probably).

**Episode 3: Triumvirate**

 

**FLASHBACK: EXT - FBI ACADEMY, QUANTICO, VIRGINIA, 1987**

_ (Open on a shot of an outdoor training course. Several FBI cadets are running around, then there is a “crack” and one falls face first onto the ground.) _

CADET - (into a radio) Agent down, agent down. 

_ (The INSTRUCTOR walks into the scene).  _

INSTRUCTOR - You can get up, Johnson. (The cadet who was “shot” sits up. The INSTRUCTOR turns his head and yells). Hotchner! Burke! Get out here!

_ (HOTCH and PETER appear).  _

INSTRUCTOR - Why is Johnson dead right now?

PETER - (indicates HOTCH) He went in without backup - 

HOTCH - (indicates PETER) He wasn’t listening to the approach - 

INSTRUCTOR - (yells) Wrong! He’s dead because the two of you can’t cooperate. You’d rather be right than keep your team alive. If you keep that attitude up, you’re going to get your wish. 

  
  


**EXT - SANTA BARBARA PIER, PRESENT DAY, NIGHT**

_ (We’re back on the pier in the exact same place where we left off - still the same night. Again, we watch GUS, then NEAL go down. Though it’s night, the scene is brightly lit. Everything is played in kind of a hazy slow-motion, lending an air of confusion and horror to the scene. We see PETER drop to NEAL’s side and try to revive him, then HENRY SPENCER do the same to GUS. The camera pans across the pier, where everyone else is staring out, as if toward the water. Then we follow HOTCH and CHIEF VICK, who are the only people who aren’t frozen, as they walk toward the end of the pier. When they get there, the camera swings up to reveal red writing at the very end of the pier - “Rub-a-dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub, Who do you think they were?”) _

CHIEF VICK - I don’t understand.

HOTCH - It’s the bodies. Six bodies. Twenty four….(we pan out to see the pier in total, where twenty four limbs - get it? six times four - are standing along the posts on the pier, acting as…) Candlesticks. 

CHIEF VICK - What does this mean?

HOTCH - He’s back. 

CHIEF VICK - Who’s back?

HOTCH - The Candlestick Maker. 

  
  


**INT - POLICE STATION, IMMEDIATE**

_ (Slowly, everyone starts entering the main room of the police station two or three at a time. They all look exhausted and drop into chairs or lean against the wall) _

 

**[SHAWN - (voice/over) - Is this where I say a quote? Well...Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down. Never going to come around and hurt you….Ace of Base**

**GUS - (voice/over) - It was Rick Astley, Shawn. You just Rick-rolled everyone.**

**_SHAWN - Really? Sweet!]_ **

 

HOTCH - (stepping in front of everyone) The Candlestick Maker’s been on our radar for years. He travels between cities, between states. 

ROSSI - Everywhere he goes, he follows a similar pattern. 

HOTCH - Three groups of three people lose their heads. Then the dismembered limbs - thirty six in total - appear holding candles on or near a prominent local landmark. 

OHARA - So why the change in patterns here in Santa Barbara?

MORGAN - Change?

JONES - Yeah, we only had six victims before the ‘candlestick’ display. 

HOTCH - He’s accelerating. 

PRENTISS - It makes sense. If what gets him off is the display, he’s not willing to take the time to get three more victims. 

DIANA - But what about the imitation? Does he always mimic other criminals?

ROSSI - No. He always sends messages to law enforcement, but framing other local criminals is new. 

JJ - Messages? Like the nursery rhymes left at the Carmen Santa Barbara scenes?

ROSSI - Not exactly. The messages are different in each city he hits. He probably adapted the messages to match Carmen Santa Barbara’s style. 

OHARA - Why change now? Why suddenly involve these two other criminals?

HOTCH - It’s because both Pierre Despereaux and Carmen Santa Barbara are high profile criminals around here. The Candlestick Maker thrives on the attention he gets from the police and the press. He knows that by invoking both of them, the local law enforcement would have to get involved.

PETER - But both Despereaux and Carmen have extremely difficult signatures - both are at the top of their game in terms of their individual crimes. Of anyone to imitate, these two would require the most painstaking attention to detail. 

HOTCH - (turns toward PETER) You don’t know anything about the kind of criminal we’re dealing with here, Burke. This is out of your league. You and your agents should head back to New York and track down another bond forger. Leave the serial killers to us. 

PETER - (facing HOTCH, everyone else forgotten) And  **you** don’t know anything about the kind of criminals Pierre Despereaux and Carmen Santa Barbara are. They didn’t perfect their craft overnight. Just because you get off on chopped up body parts doesn’t mean you can ignore the other details of this case. 

HOTCH - Burke, I’m warning you - 

PETER - No, I’m warning you - 

_ (Everyone is focused on them, some excitedly waiting for a showdown. CHIEF VICK steps between them) _

CHIEF VICK - Agent Hotchner, Agent Burke. Come to my office. Now. 

 

**INT - POLICE STATION, CHIEF VICK’S OFFICE, IMMEDIATE**

**_(_ ** _ HOTCH, PETER, and CHIEF VICK are standing around in CHIEF VICK’s office. Both HOTCH and PETER are at their breaking points) _

HOTCH - Your leadership has been questionable from the start, Burke. You brought a convicted art thief to an art theft investigation. 

PETER - At least I didn’t need a psychic to inform me that two of my team members were romantically involved. 

HOTCH - Two of your team members are romantically involved?

PETER - No, two of  **your** team members are romantically involved. 

HOTCH -  (Looks confused for a moment, then recovers) Let’s acknowledge what this is really about, Burke. At Quantico, you were never able to beat me. You couldn’t cut it in the BAU. You chose White Collar so that you could be home to your wife at five o’clock. 

PETER - Well, at least my wife is alive to come home to. 

_ (There is an ‘oh my god’ moment.) _

CHIEF VICK - Agents. I called you out here to help us with this case. Granted, our methods in Santa Barbara may be a little...unorthodox, but even I have never seen this sort of behavior from officials in law enforcement. Your rivalry with each other has prevented all of us from focusing on this case. 

_ (PETER and HOTCH look down, chastened, then back up with a realization that hits all three of them at once) _

PETER - That’s it. 

CHIEF VICK - Pierre and Carmen. 

HOTCH - We need to rethink the profile. 

_ (CHIEF VICK  walks out, followed by PETER and HOTCH) _

PETER - And I think it goes without saying that that was completely inappropriate. 

  
  


**INT - POLICE STATION, INTERROGATION ROOM, IMMEDIATE**

_ (CHIEF VICK, PETER, and HOTCH enter the view room. DESPEREAUX and CARMEN are in the interrogation room, both immaculately dressed, with no sign of the struggles from earlier episodes).  _

HOTCH - Burke, these are your kind of people. You should take lead on this one. 

_ (PETER considers him for a minute before nodding, then both HOTCH and PETER enter the interrogation room) _

DESPEREAUX - Ms. Santa Barbara and I are wondering what we’re still doing here. 

PETER - You’re here, and you’re going to stay here until you help us apprehend whoever is beheading people and blaming it on you. 

CARMEN - Why should we know who it is?

PETER - Because you’re being played. 

HOTCH - Someone knows about your rivalry with each other, and he used it to manipulate you. 

PETER - Exactly how he used our rivalry to manipulate us. 

  
  


**INT - POLICE STATION, IMMEDIATE**

_ (HOTCH, PETER, and CHIEF VICK come back into the main area of the police station, where everyone else except SHAWN and GUS is waiting for them. HOTCH looks around suspiciously at his whole team. He sees MORGAN, who is on speakerphone with GARCIA. His eyes narrow suspiciously) _

MORGAN - You know that’s what I like, baby girl. 

GARCIA - Well, you better get home before tonight. Kevin and I have a big date. 

_ (HOTCH shakes his head and looks over at JJ and REID, who are standing together with OHARA and HENRY SPENCER.) _

JJ - (holds up her phone so HENRY and OHARA can see) This is my son, Henry. 

HENRY SPENCER - Great name. 

_ (JJ laughs and lays a hand on his arm) _

OHARA - He’s adorable. And is this your husband?

JJ - My partner. They’re the two loves of my life. 

_ (HOTCH shakes his head again and looks over to PRENTISS and ROSSI, who are standing with NEAL and DIANA.)  _

PRENTISS - Caffrey, does that hundred foot limit work vertically?

NEAL - I don’t know...why?

PRENTISS - The room above Burke’s room is empty. (Holds up a hotel key). 

NEAL - It’s worth a try. 

ROSSI - Prentiss, I don’t know - 

PRENTISS - Lay off, dad. 

_ (HOTCH shakes his head again and gives up. He, PETER, and CHIEF VICK move to the front of the room. As everyone’s attention shifts to them, SHAWN, DESPEREAUX, CARMEN, and GUS - in that order - enter, chained to each other.) _

SHAWN - (leans across DESPEREAUX and CARMEN to talk to GUS) I’m going to requisition one of those watches Burke has. Being chained to Despereaux and Carmen Santa Barbara is getting in the way of my psychic abilities. 

GUS - Speak for yourself, Shawn. (To CARMEN) I’m honored to protect this innocent lady from the Candlestick Maker. 

_ (He tries to thumb his nose with the hand chained to CARMEN, which jerks her hand up with him. CARMEN rolls her eyes and tips her head backward, then just leans as far back as possible, pulling GUS down onto the ground. He scrambles back up) _

CHIEF VICK - New information has come to light about the Candlestick Maker. 

HOTCH - The Candlestick Maker knew to exploit the rivalry between Pierre Despereaux and Carmen Santa Barbara. 

PETER - He also knew enough about both of their MOs to replicate them near-perfectly. 

HOTCH - He knew that we would identify the signatures and would put all of our efforts into tracking them down - 

PETER - Despite our doubt that either is capable of murder. 

HOTCH - So he must be…

PETER - He has to be…

HOTCH and PETER - Law Enforcement. 

SHAWN - (loud whisper, to GUS) I can’t believe they got that reveal!

CHIEF VICK - Mr. Despereaux, Ms. Santa Barbara. We need you to think. Has there been anyone from law enforcement hanging around you lately? 

CARMEN - Aside from the seventeen people in this room right now?

_ (We pan out to focus on a whole room full of cops) _

LASSITER - I know what you’re thinking, but it never turns out to be any of us. 

_ (There is a pause for a minute while DESPEREAUX and CARMEN think) _

DESPEREAUX - Actually…

CARMEN - Well, now that you mention…

_ (JJ hands them a sketchpad, which both DESPEREAUX and CARMEN draw on, using the hands still chained to SHAWN and GUS. After a few minutes, they hand over the sketch.) _

PETER - Agent Hotchner, can you have your analyst run this through facial recognition?

LASSITER - We won’t be needing facial recognition. 

JJ - That’s the guard who found one of the first bodies. 

_(We zoom in on a sketch - IT’S THE SECURITY GUARD FROM EPISODE 1! REMEMBER HOW WE TOLD YOU HE WAS UGLY!_ _Everyone gasps)_

OHARA - But we questioned him…

HOTCH - I know. Everyone should have seen it coming. 

OHARA - I don’t think so. I don’t think anyone could have seen it coming. How did we get here? That guy’s not really a cop, he’s a security officer. More like a doorman. Who works night shifts. But he still managed to find spare time to learn two different criminals’ MOs? In addition to learning how to decapitate people with a sword? And didn’t he have an alibi?

HOTCH - We don’t have time for explanations. Let’s bring in that sick son of a bitch. 

  
  


**EXT - SHADY-LOOKING TRAILER, SANTA BARBARA**

_ (We see some fast paced White Collar footage of a rusty trailer with cardboard for windows. A single truck drives really quickly down a dirt road, and the tall grass blows rapidly back and forth.  _

_ Five vehicles made by two popular American made distributers and one popular import distributer pull up. Everybody jumps out, leaving the doors open. HOTCH, ROSSI, PRENTISS, MORGAN, REID, JJ, PETER, NEAL, DIANA, JONES, LASSITER, OHARA, SHAWN, and GUS are present. The BAU team, plus OHARA and LASSITER, all nod at each other, then circle around the trailer. Everyone not at the front door ends up back at the front door.) _

MORGAN - Yeah, I guess there’s only one door. 

LASSITER - How are we going to do this?

PRENTISS - Knock, I guess. Any other suggestions?

_ (Everyone else shrugs and she knocks on the door. No one answers. PRENTISS looks over at OHARA, who approaches the door) _

OHARA - Charles Stratford McGee! This is the Santa Barbara Police Department. Open up. 

_ (There is still no response. OHARA nods, then backs up. MORGAN comes over and kicks open the door.) _

LASSITER - Nice. 

MORGAN - Thanks, my man. 

_ (They enter the trailer in a long line - OHARA, LASSITER, MORGAN, HOTCH, PETER, NEAL, ROSSI, PRENTISS, DIANA, JJ, JONES, REID, SHAWN, then a very reluctant GUS. Everyone with a gun has it drawn, and about half of them have flashlights too, which shine in other people’s faces and generally confuse the scene. _

_ We see the inside of the trailer - it’s only one room, but the agents still spread out and check corners.) _

MORGAN - Clear!

PRENTISS - Clear!

_ (Everyone lowers their guns and spreads out - although fourteen people in a small trailer means they can’t really spread out. We follow HOTCH and PETER as they look around, taking in first a wall covered with newspaper articles about the beheadings, along with pictures of DESPEREAUX and CARMEN SANTA BARBARA.  _

_ Then, they encounter a bloody table, with a pair of gross work gloves and a sword sitting on it. In the background, GUS pushes past about six people and runs out the door.) _

HOTCH - We definitely have the right guy. 

PETER - For sure. How often do you see this much evidence?

HOTCH - Almost every case. But not until we’ve pursued several other improbable avenues. 

_ (PETER nods, and the room is silent for a moment. Then, there is a sound of movement and a voice calls, “Take me -”. MORGAN, HOTCH, and LASSITER all draw their guns and fire.) _

  
  


**INT - POLICE STATION, CHIEF VICK’S OFFICE**

_ (We cut immediately to an angry CHIEF VICK, who holds up one of those wall-mount singing bass fish. It is riddled with bullet holes).  _

CHIEF VICK - Please tell me that this singing bass posed significant threat to life. 

HOTCH - The Candlestick Maker doesn’t profile as a someone who would own a motion-sensored novelty item. 

PETER - At least we know we have the right guy. Now we just need to figure out where he is. 

HOTCH - We’re ready to present the profile. 

  
  


**INT - POLICE STATION, MAIN ROOM, IMMEDIATE**

_ (The BAU team is in front of the room, standing in a row in typical ‘present the profile’ fashion. The SBPD and White Collar teams are sitting down, facing them. After someone from the BAU speaks, we cut to the listeners to see their appropriately shocked/horrified reactions. Each time, SHAWN and GUS are sitting calmly in different seats).  _

HOTCH - There is no doubt that Charles Stratford McGee is the Candlestick Maker. 

ROSSI - McGee has a law enforcement background, which makes him highly dangerous. 

MORGAN - He is also well versed in swordsmanship, which indicates to us that he is impotent. 

PRENTISS - He is a sexual sadist, who gets off on decapitating and dismembering the bodies. 

DIANA - But why? Why did he get into that?

REID - He’s a psychopath. Early records indicate a history of violence to animals, starting fires, and bed-wetting, which means that he has no empathy or control over his actions. 

JONES - That’s Freudian. 

ROSSI - Well, it’s not like there’s been any developments in psychology since Freud. 

PRENTISS - Or that any of us are psychologists.

OHARA - Yeah, I’ve been wondering about that. 

JJ - So really, the Candlestick Maker was just born a monster. But also, his past includes a history of violence. Hospital records indicate he was abused by his mother. And also that while he was in high school, a girl declined to go to the prom with him. 

LASSITER - That does excuse away all of his actions. If only she’d just said yes. 

HOTCH - Exactly. No one gets over being rejected from prom. They become serial killers. 

JONES - But all of the victims were male. 

MORGAN - Because he wants to compete with men he sees as more sexually powerful. Alpha males. (flexes his arms conspicuously)

OHARA - Then why the Candlestick Maker alias?

LASSITER - (points to OHARA) True. All those nursery rhymes show that he’s really into his name - Jack and Jill, Cow Jumped Over the Moon, Bah Bah Black Sheep, Butcher, Baker, Candlestick Maker. He places himself among these other childhood stories. 

HOTCH - Obviously, it’s very phallic. Also, the Butcher and the Baker were already taken. 

PRENTISS - We need your help to figure out where he’s going. 

JJ - Check records for property he and his family might own. 

REID - Or look for reports of suspicious behavior around town. 

ROSSI - This guy is a loner. Poor social skills. Inability to make eye contact. Generally unattractive. He’ll stand out. 

HOTCH - Let’s find this guy. 

_ (We go over to SHAWN and GUS) _

SHAWN - Gus, I’ve got an idea. But we’re going to need Caffrey. 

 

**EXT - OUTSIDE POLICE STATION**

_ (There is some super-slick White Collar footage. Pay attention here. MORGAN and REID are standing outside, talking intently, entirely focused on each other. NEAL walks past them briefly, reaches his hand into MORGAN’s pocket without MORGAN noticing, takes out his FBI badge, walks up the steps and hands it to GUS. Then he does the same thing with REID, but comes back without the badge) _

NEAL - No luck with the junior suit. Either he doesn’t have his badge, or it’s somewhere I don’t want to explore. 

GUS - You’re getting squeamish on us now?

NEAL - (looks over at MORGAN) Did you see how many times that guy shot the singing fish? I don’t need him after me. You’re going to have to figure something else out. 

  
  


**EXT - SHADY-LOOKING TRAILER**

**_(_ ** _ We’re back at the shady trailer, which still looks dilapidated and worn down. A line of caution tape is all around it, and several uniformed officers are standing guard. _

_ Just out of view of the officers, we see GUS’s Echo pull up. SHAWN and GUS get out. SHAWN is in tight corduroy pants, a button-up dress shirt, tie, and cardigan. He is wearing large black-framed glasses. GUS is in tight jeans, a sleeveless muscle shirt, and aviators. They saunter up to the cops guarding the trailer) _

GUS - (to an officer) Hey, baby girl. (Holds up Morgan’s FBI badge) I’m Supervisory Special Agent Derek Morgan, and this is my partner - 

SHAWN - In every sense of the term - 

_ (GUS pauses, then turns away from the officer to SHAWN) _

GUS - (in a whisper) What’s Reid’s first name?

SHAWN - Dexter. 

GUS - No, it’s not. You’re thinking of Dexter’s Lab, Shawn. 

SHAWN - I don’t know. Just make something up! (They whisper furiously at each other)

GUS - (clears his throat and turns back to the officer) My partner, Supervisory Special Agent Maxwell Reid. 

SHAWN - (in a rapid ‘nerd’ voice) Yes. That’s me. The name Maxwell dates to the 1980s, when Olivia Newton John - 

OFFICER - Just go.

  
  


**INT - SHADY-LOOKING TRAILER**

_ (SHAWN and GUS are back in the trailer, wandering around) _

GUS - What are we looking for, Shawn?

SHAWN - I don’t know. Something that tells us where he’s going. 

_ (They quietly look through the trailer for a minute, rifling around through items with no regard for preserving the scene. SHAWN loudly bangs through the kitchen cabinets, takes out a bag, rips it open, and starts eating out of it.) _

GUS - Tell me that you are not eating a serial killer’s Fritos, Shawn. 

SHAWN - The bag was still sealed. And it’s not like he’s going to be eating them. 

_ (GUS shrugs and sticks his hand into the bag for some chips. Both chew loudly. SHAWN goes up to the wall of newspaper articles. He glances between a few of the articles about the Despereaux/Carmen Santa Barbara, then we hear a “ping” on another article.) _

SHAWN - Gus!

_ (Gus comes over, and they read from the article) _

SHAWN - Why would he have an article about an abandoned bathtub factory in the middle of all these articles about Despereaux and Carmen Santa Barbara?

GUS - The bathtub factory closed? When?

SHAWN - (consults the article) A few weeks ago. 

GUS - I can’t believe this! I was going to get one of their tile surrounds. 

SHAWN - Gus, are you making this about your home improvements?

GUS - I’m just saying. So you think he’s hiding out there?

SHAWN - (a “ping” goes off) Three men in a tub. That has to be where he’s hiding out. 

GUS - Then who are the three men?

SHAWN - He must have (pause for dramatic effect) hostages. 

  
  
  


**INT - POLICE STATION**

_ (When SHAWN and GUS come back into the police station, still dressed as REID and MORGAN, the SBPD, White Collar, and Criminal Minds teams are all on the phone, going through files, hanging up information/writing on whiteboards, and discussing things intensely. It’s a generally harried atmosphere. SHAWN and GUS pass PRENTISS on their way in.) _

SHAWN - Hey, Prentiss, what’s Reid’s first name?

PRENTISS - Spencer. Why?

SHAWN - (to Gus) Okay, Gus, I never would have guessed that. 

GUS - That’s your last name Shawn. 

SHAWN - Is it? I keep thinking that’s Willis.

GUS - Whatch’you talkin' 'bout?

LASSITER - Spencer, Guster, where have you been? And why are you dressed like - (glances at REID and MORGAN and shrugs)

SHAWN - Why, Lassie, you know you can’t solve this case without us?

_ (LASSITER rolls his eyes and goes back to his paperwork. SHAWN jumps on top of that paperwork on LASSITER’s desk.) _

SHAWN - Ladies and Gentlemen. Agents and - (indicates MOZZIE) whoever you are. 

LASSITER - Spencer. Get off my desk. 

SHAWN - (Raises his hand to his temple) Where’s the butcher? Probably at Mr. Tastee’s Hot Dog Shop. Where’s the Baker? Likely at Mrs. McPhee’s Cupcakes. Right Gus? (There is no reply and he looks around.) Gus?

HENRY - Shawn, get to your point. 

SHAWN - (a little nervous) Gus, you can quit hiding. (He starts to panic, jumps down from LASSITER’s desk, and runs around looking). 

LASSITER - Very funny. 

SHAWN - Seriously, where’s Gus?

_ (Everyone looks around for a minute. There is a minute of silence. PETER’s watch starts to beep ominously) _

PETER - Neal! (Takes his phone out of his pocket and dials it) He’s not answering. 

HOTCH - What the hell’s going on?

SHAWN - Three men in a tub. That’s two. 

JJ - Are we missing anyone else?

_ (They all look around for a minute) _

MORGAN - No. No! Not again, no! 

SHAWN - They’re gone. He has them. They’re gone. (He’s breathing hard and not making much sense). 

ROSSI - (quiet, to PRENTISS) Maybe that guy really is a psychic. 

PRENTISS - You believe he’s a psychic because he  **didn’t** see something coming?

ROSSI - No, I just figured he was hyper-observant. But if he didn’t see his best friend disappear right from under him - 

CHIEF VICK - (to the room at large) We all need to remain calm. Mr. Spencer, do you know where he’s going?

SHAWN - Yes. Yes. The Bathtub Factory. 

CHIEF VICK - Agents, it’s your decision whether we follow this. If you want my opinion, I think it’s worth pursuing. 

_ (HOTCH and PETER look at each other) _

PETER - Yes. 

HOTCH - Let’s do this. 

  
  


**EXT - SANTA BARBARA BATHTUB FACTORY**

_ (The Factory looks bad for having only been closed a few weeks - the side is cracked and ivy is growing up it. The walls are covered in graffiti. We come in on the SBPD team, White Collar Team, and BAU team, fanning out around the building. SHAWN is in the back behind HENRY SPENCER, and everyone else has guns drawn. _

_ HOTCH, PETER, and CHIEF VICK take the front door. HOTCH and PETER each grab half of the sliding door and pull it open. We follow all three as they enter the building.) _

  
  


**INT - CREEPY ABANDONED BUILDING**

_ (The inside of the building is a labyrinth, full of different showers, bathtubs, and other bathroom fixtures. We see an overhead shot of agents coming in from all entrances. Somehow, it’s really dark inside the building.  _

_ There is a scuffle noise, but it’s just a rat.  _

_ Then MORGAN, DIANA, and PRENTISS encounter a steaming noise. They move toward it, guns drawn. Just then, there is a flash of someone in front of the camera. Though we don’t see him, we know it’s the CANDLESTICK MAKER. He slices at a pipe and water and steam explode out of it, blocking their path. MORGAN kicks at the ground.  _

_ Next, we come in on ROSSI, JJ, and JONES, who try to get through on another path. The CANDLESTICK MAKER also steps in front of them and slices a pipe open, blocking them off.  _

_ Next, we see LASSITER, OHARA, HENRY SPENCER, and SHAWN. They enter through a third maze-like path. LASSITER and OHARA are in front, back to back, guns out. Through a burst of steam, they see a bathtub. In it, NEAL, REID, and GUS are bound and gagged. All three look conspicuously to their right. The officers try to move, but the CANDLESTICK MAKER beats them to it and sends steam and water to their path.  _

_ Now we go to the last group - HOTCH, PETER, and CHIEF VICK. They advance slowly to the center of the maze, where they see NEAL, REID, and GUS).  _

HOTCH - That’s them. I’m moving in. 

PETER - I’ll cover you. 

_ (They all advance some more. A sword swings by, sending a thick stream of water close to them. They split and roll under it, landing in a crouch holding their guns. So badass!  _

_ Another thick burst of steam comes in. The CANDLESTICK MAKER appears, wielding his sword.  He looks ugly and crazed. The audience is wildly afraid! He raises his sword toward HOTCH) _

PETER - Hotchner!

_ (HOTCH leaps out of the way in time to avoid the sword, which swings over toward PETER).  _

HOTCH - Burke!

_ (PETER also gets out of the way) _

HOTCH - Charles Stratford McGee, we know that you’re the Candlestick Maker. 

CANDLESTICK MAKER - (maniacal laugh) Hell yes I am! Finally, I get the recognition I deserve!

CHIEF VICK - Do they usually own up to it this easily?

HOTCH - Yep. (Back to the CANDLESTICK MAKER). Come with us, and we’ll make sure you get all the recognition you deserve. We’ll make sure every newspaper in the country is there. 

CANDLESTICK MAKER - I don’t think so. People don’t really read newspapers anymore. 

_ (The CANDLESTICK MAKER advances on the bathtub holding the hostages. He raises the sword over his head. There is a huge explosion of gunfire. We zoom in on the CANDLESTICK MAKER, who has an evil smile on his face. Then he drops to his knees then to the ground, face forward. HOTCH, PETER, and CHIEF VICK lower their smoking guns.  _

_ The rest of the teams run forward.  _

_ MORGAN, SHAWN, and PETER rush to untie REID, GUS, and NEAL. HOTCH and ROSSI look on as MORGAN and REID embrace) _

ROSSI - So what are we going to do about Reid and Morgan?

HOTCH - What about Reid and Morgan?

ROSSI - Well, now that Burke knows about their relationship, we can’t very well keep turning a blind eye. (pause) We  **were** turning a blind eye, right?

HOTCH - Of course. 

PETER - Not a bad shot, Hotchner. If you want to really learn how to use a firearm, come over to White Collar. 

HOTCH - (laughs and claps him on the shoulder) You got it. 

 

**INT - POLICE STATION**

_ (We follow SHAWN and GUS as they walk through the police station) _

SHAWN - See, Gus, I told you it wasn’t Despereaux. 

GUS - I knew it wasn’t Despereaux. And it probably won’t be at this same time next year when he’s accused of doing something even worse. 

_ (They reach the interrogation room area, enter the view room, and freeze. The interrogation room is empty, but on the table, there is a smoking cigarette in an ashtray and the words “Carmen Santa Barbara” written in red lipstick. SHAWN and GUS look at each other and shrug). _

  
  


**EXT - OUTSIDE POLICE STATION**

_ (Literally everyone is milling around outside of the police station looking important but not really doing anything) _

CHIEF VICK - Well, agents, it’s been...interesting. I think I speak for the entire department when I thank you for your help with this case. 

PETER - If you ever need anything else…

CHIEF VICK - ...Right. 

_ (CHIEF VICK motions to her people, who follow her back into the police station. HOTCH and ROSSI look at each other, then back over at O’HARA) _

HOTCH - Detective O’Hara. 

_ (OHARA turns around and jogs back over to the two of them).  _

HOTCH - (in that ‘just between us’ voice) Detective, we have been impressed with your work on this case. 

ROSSI - If you’re interested in profiling…(holds out his card)

OHARA - Gentlemen, I’m flattered. 

_ (We go over to SHAWN, GUS, MOZZIE, and NEAL. SHAWN and GUS are taking turns trying to put NEAL’s hat on with the same flourish he uses) _

MOZZIE - No, it’s all in the wrist. 

SHAWN - (trying again) More like this? Gus, I’m going to need one of these hats. 

GUS - Me too. 

NEAL - Impressive. 

SHAWN - Thanks. 

NEAL - No, not your hat style. That could use work. What’s impressive is your ability as a deception artist. You’re not only pulling off a long con in front of the police department. They’re actually paying you for the privilege. You’ve found what I’ve been looking for my entire life...the perfect crime. 

_ (SHAWN freezes. He doesn’t consider himself a criminal. MORAL AMBIGUITY!!) _

_ (We go back to OHARA, HOTCH, and ROSSI) _

OHARA - (watches SHAWN flip the hat a few more times) But I’m happy here. Thank you. 

_ (She walks away to find SHAWN, and HOTCH and ROSSI watch her for a minute, then turn back to each other) _

ROSSI - Young people these days. 

HOTCH - No ambition. 

_ (JJ walks by, holding up her cell phone) _

JJ - We have a case. 

HOTCH - Where?

JJ - New York. 

HOTCH - (turns around to the milling agents) White Collar, you need a lift?

 

**EXT - STOCK FOOTAGE OF A JET**

**INT - BAU JET**

_ (HOTCH, ROSSI, and PETER are all sitting around, drinking scotch. At the other end of the plane, everyone else - DIANA, JONES, NEAL, REID, MORGAN, PRENTISS, JJ - is playing a game of poker, with a large pot in the middle. Most everyone throws in and folds dramatically, leaving NEAL and REID with cards in their hands) _

NEAL - (impressed) Are you counting cards?

REID - (huffy) Are you stacking the deck?

_ (From the other end of the jet, the old guys look up from their conversation) _

PETER - (warning voice) Neal...

HOTCH - (same tone) Reid…

_ (They all stop the conversation as SHAWN and GUS appear from the cockpit. They walk immediately to the group playing cards) _

SHAWN - What are we playing?

GUS - (looking at NEAL and REID’s hands) And why are there four aces of hearts in play?

_ (Both NEAL and REID throw their hands down. SHAWN and GUS sit down, and SHAWN immediately gathers the cards and starts re-dealing) _

SHAWN - Alright, agents. Go fish. 

JJ - (stands up, grabbing her phone) And I’m going to call Chief Vick and let her know you’re on the plane. 

SHAWN - We heard you have a case. And Gus and I do consulting…

GUS - (looking around the plane) And we could definitely get used to this. 

PETER AND HOTCH - (over top of each other) That’s okay. We’re good. 

ROSSI - (to Hotch and Peter) You know? We should do this more often. (HOTCH and PETER both grunt in response)

 

**EXT - MORE STOCK FOOTAGE OF JET**

 

**[ROSSI (voice/over) - In between the lines, there’s a lot of obscurity. I’m not inclined to resign to maturity.]**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've made it to the end of this ridiculousness, thank you for reading! --Jamie


End file.
